Monday, August 23, 2010

The Movie Sucks More

Vampires Suck is a bad movie. It's a really really really super really very much really a really bad movie. It's not bad because of a stupid plot. It's a parody of the Twilight films. This makes the plot immune from criticism because the movie isn't about the plot. The story doesn't take place in any kind of a real world but rather in some sort of nonsensical dream in which the filmmakers are free to do whatever they want. Explosions and bloody deaths can occur without notice. A character can suddenly be wearing an environmental suit and have it suddenly disappear in the next shot and it doesn't matter. This puts the filmmakers in the rare position of being immune to normal criticisms and demands that a plot make sense. All they have to do is be funny and, in that, they fail spectacularly. I mean epic level failure. Combine the failures of New Coke, Betamax and real estate derivatives and you still don't reach the level of failure achieved by Vampires Suck. Regular readers of this site know my hatred of this film's source material. I say now that I would rather be bound with my eyes pried open Clockwork Orange-style and forced to watch every moment of every Twilight film over and over again rather than have to watch even the opening credits of this stupid example of anti-comedy ever again.

It will come as no surprise to those familiar with their work that the makers of Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet The Spartans have created a comedy that stands as a true three dimensional model of what lack of imagination looks like. This latest example of their work contains all their standard jokes. You have celebrity imitators who show up do nothing, movie scene recreations that are supposed to be funny because the characters get hurt in some way or people just getting thrown into stuff. For example, when the Bella character first sees the Cullen stand-ins, she asks, "Who are they?" Another girl responds, "That's Snookie, J-wow..." and then the scene cuts over to a group of Jersey Shore lookalikes. They're posing and doing nothing else. No references to or jokes about themselves or their show.

The funniest joke in the whole movie is when Edward and Becca (the Bella character) have their first kiss and Edward starts giggling in the same way that a 12 year old girls do when they receive their first kisses. Sadly, this brief moment of promise is followed up by a painfully unfunny extended sequence of Becca trying to seduce Edward and Edward fighting her off by tossing her though a ceiling. More than once. Ugh.

I noticed the one part of the audience that seemed to be enjoying the movie were kids around 15 and under. The younger they were, the harder and more often they laughed. I think this means the ideal audience would be children still in the womb. The fetuses will be entertained and their mothers can catch a decent nap so it's a win-win for all. Everyone else should avoid the movie at all costs.

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