I'm swamped today and have no time to write today so here a short review of Australia:
Average, skip it.
Hopefully I'll have the longer version up tomorrow.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Well Tonight Thank God It's Them Instead Of You
Four Christmases is a celebration. Oh, not a celebration of the holiday season, friends, family, values, laughter and the human spirit that the commercials are trying to make you think it is. Rather, this is a celebration of assholes. In fact, if this movie was all you had to go on, you'd think that big holiday in December should be renamed Christmasshole and, instead of a friendly, loving, jolly old fat man leaving toys for the kids, Santa would enter your home, drink all your liquor, watch porn on your pay-per-view and leave bones and stains from the hot wings he ate all over your living room. When you woke up in the morning, you'd say, "Aw man, Santa was here. What an asshole."
When the movie opens, we meet Brad (Vince Vaughn) and Kate (Reese Witherspoon). Brad and Kate are an asshole couple living in San Francisco who lie and tell their families that they are going to spend Christmas in Burma doing charity work so they can spend the holidays on a cruise in Fiji. They are, however, perfectly content and happy assholes. They have good jobs, an interesting and creative sex life (they are role playing in a bar when we first see them) and, most importantly, their negative views on marriage are in perfect sync. These are views that they are more than happy to share with random strangers so that said random strangers get depressed about their own marriages and jealous of Brad and Kate's blissful situation. They do this because that's what assholes do. Unfortunately for them, a news crew catches them just as their fligh to Fiji is delayed by fog. Their parents see them on TV and know that they are now free to visit them on Christmas which means they must make trips to four different households in one day (both sets of parents are divorced).
During the course of the movie, we learn the following things: Brad and Kate's status as assholes was something they apparently inherited, watching people being tormented in various ways by their families is at best only mildly amusing to watch and worst extremely painful to watch, and that days in San Francisco are 102 hours long. That's the only way to explain how they visited four different households, at least one of which was out in the woods, and spent several hours at each one all in one day.
One of the most interesting things I noticed (since the plot held little interest for me) was that all four of the parents were played by Oscar winners. Brad's father was played by Robert Duvall who, throughout his distinguished career, has played unforgettable roles in movies like The Godfather, The Great Santini, and Tender Mercies as well as the classic TV mini-series Lonesome Dove has now decided that he no longer wants the burden of being a legendary actor since in this movie playing an ignorant redneck who laughs when someone in his family does something abusive. I was expecting more from these scenes since Denver, one of Brad's brothers, was played by Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn's old partner from the movie Swingers. Instead, he and Brad's other brother, Dallas, both UFC fighters, literally beat Brad up every chance they get.
This might be a good time to point out that everyone in this movie acts like this is their first day on this planet and that they are unable to grasp concepts like tact, etiquette and boundaries. For instance, Kate got angry when Denver reveals that Brad's real name is Orlando and that he never told her that. However, her self-righteous anger is quickly neutralized when they visit Kate's mother (Mary Steenburgen) who cheerfully and without prodding reveals that Kate experimented with lesbianism when she was younger. I mean WHO THE HELL DOES THAT and, if you did do it, who the hell, upon doing such a thing, wouldn't immediately think, "Golly gee, maybe I shouldn't have just told her boyfriend that Kate may have once had sex with a girl"? I guess I'm wrong about that, though, since Kate's mom not only blurts all this out but even shows pictures from the family photo album of Kate with her girlfriend. Shows what I know.
For some reason, being exposed to everything she hates about domestic family life is causing Kate to modify the worldview she has cultivated all her life and to think that maybe having Brad marry her and knock her up would be awesome. This continues as they visit Brad's mom (Sissy Spacek), a woman who has recently started sleeping with a guy with whom Brad went to school. Katge doesn't understand why being confronted with something like that wouldn't make Brad more amenable to the idea of them starting a family of their own* so she breaks up with him before going to see her father (Jon Voight). Voight is and asshole because...well, let's see, he's actually the one sane, thoughtful and loving human being in the whole movie who graciously invite his ex-wife and her new boyfriend to Christmas dinner so that his granddaughter can spend the holiday with both her grandparents. Voight is the only one of the four Oscar winners and, for that matter, the only person in the movie to keep his dignity and not look like he showed up on the set because his huge paycheck cleared.
There are a few funny moments, like a Nativity play where, though unlikely circumstances, Brad and Kate end up playing Joseph and Mary (although even that glimmer of hope goes on too long) and a scene where Jon Favreau and his Southern redneck stereotype wife played by Katy Mixon win a board game in an amusing way that only people who've been married for a while and truly know everything about each other could have done but those add up to maybe 8 minutes in a two hour movie. Vince Vaughn does well in the movie's Vince Vaughn role, that being a character who, as I've said in other posts, believes that he's the smartest one in the room and behaves accordingly while also trying to hustle his way through life. Still, it can be amusing to watch and makes you think that the movies Vaughn stars in should be funnier.
At least the release of Four Christmases means that the mediocre family comedy that comes out every Christmas has been made and we can all now relax and wait for the mediocre remake of a classic science fiction film and the mediocre cartoon about mice.
Can't wait.
*I have mentioned that all these people are assholes, right?
When the movie opens, we meet Brad (Vince Vaughn) and Kate (Reese Witherspoon). Brad and Kate are an asshole couple living in San Francisco who lie and tell their families that they are going to spend Christmas in Burma doing charity work so they can spend the holidays on a cruise in Fiji. They are, however, perfectly content and happy assholes. They have good jobs, an interesting and creative sex life (they are role playing in a bar when we first see them) and, most importantly, their negative views on marriage are in perfect sync. These are views that they are more than happy to share with random strangers so that said random strangers get depressed about their own marriages and jealous of Brad and Kate's blissful situation. They do this because that's what assholes do. Unfortunately for them, a news crew catches them just as their fligh to Fiji is delayed by fog. Their parents see them on TV and know that they are now free to visit them on Christmas which means they must make trips to four different households in one day (both sets of parents are divorced).
During the course of the movie, we learn the following things: Brad and Kate's status as assholes was something they apparently inherited, watching people being tormented in various ways by their families is at best only mildly amusing to watch and worst extremely painful to watch, and that days in San Francisco are 102 hours long. That's the only way to explain how they visited four different households, at least one of which was out in the woods, and spent several hours at each one all in one day.
One of the most interesting things I noticed (since the plot held little interest for me) was that all four of the parents were played by Oscar winners. Brad's father was played by Robert Duvall who, throughout his distinguished career, has played unforgettable roles in movies like The Godfather, The Great Santini, and Tender Mercies as well as the classic TV mini-series Lonesome Dove has now decided that he no longer wants the burden of being a legendary actor since in this movie playing an ignorant redneck who laughs when someone in his family does something abusive. I was expecting more from these scenes since Denver, one of Brad's brothers, was played by Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn's old partner from the movie Swingers. Instead, he and Brad's other brother, Dallas, both UFC fighters, literally beat Brad up every chance they get.
This might be a good time to point out that everyone in this movie acts like this is their first day on this planet and that they are unable to grasp concepts like tact, etiquette and boundaries. For instance, Kate got angry when Denver reveals that Brad's real name is Orlando and that he never told her that. However, her self-righteous anger is quickly neutralized when they visit Kate's mother (Mary Steenburgen) who cheerfully and without prodding reveals that Kate experimented with lesbianism when she was younger. I mean WHO THE HELL DOES THAT and, if you did do it, who the hell, upon doing such a thing, wouldn't immediately think, "Golly gee, maybe I shouldn't have just told her boyfriend that Kate may have once had sex with a girl"? I guess I'm wrong about that, though, since Kate's mom not only blurts all this out but even shows pictures from the family photo album of Kate with her girlfriend. Shows what I know.
For some reason, being exposed to everything she hates about domestic family life is causing Kate to modify the worldview she has cultivated all her life and to think that maybe having Brad marry her and knock her up would be awesome. This continues as they visit Brad's mom (Sissy Spacek), a woman who has recently started sleeping with a guy with whom Brad went to school. Katge doesn't understand why being confronted with something like that wouldn't make Brad more amenable to the idea of them starting a family of their own* so she breaks up with him before going to see her father (Jon Voight). Voight is and asshole because...well, let's see, he's actually the one sane, thoughtful and loving human being in the whole movie who graciously invite his ex-wife and her new boyfriend to Christmas dinner so that his granddaughter can spend the holiday with both her grandparents. Voight is the only one of the four Oscar winners and, for that matter, the only person in the movie to keep his dignity and not look like he showed up on the set because his huge paycheck cleared.
There are a few funny moments, like a Nativity play where, though unlikely circumstances, Brad and Kate end up playing Joseph and Mary (although even that glimmer of hope goes on too long) and a scene where Jon Favreau and his Southern redneck stereotype wife played by Katy Mixon win a board game in an amusing way that only people who've been married for a while and truly know everything about each other could have done but those add up to maybe 8 minutes in a two hour movie. Vince Vaughn does well in the movie's Vince Vaughn role, that being a character who, as I've said in other posts, believes that he's the smartest one in the room and behaves accordingly while also trying to hustle his way through life. Still, it can be amusing to watch and makes you think that the movies Vaughn stars in should be funnier.
At least the release of Four Christmases means that the mediocre family comedy that comes out every Christmas has been made and we can all now relax and wait for the mediocre remake of a classic science fiction film and the mediocre cartoon about mice.
Can't wait.
*I have mentioned that all these people are assholes, right?
Friday, November 28, 2008
The Elements Of Style
During my day off yesterday, when I out with family and friends or by myself in the dark doing horrific things*, I had time to reflect on the fact that I have been doing this for almost a year now. In that time, I've learned some important things about writing your own movie web site that would probably be helpful to anyone else out there thinking about doing something like this. Oh, I'm not going to cover the obvious stuff. There are loads of sites with helpful writing and blogging tips out there that are just a Google** away. Instead, I'm going to comment on the less obvious stuff that all those other sites seam to have missed.
*I was playing Wrath Of The Lich King.
**That would be the Google Search Engine Internet Web Site to you older people.
***I'm taking a gamble that at least some of you have short term memory problems.
- If you are planning to criticize a movie starring a beautiful, sexy girl like Odette Yustman, please keep in mind that there are many men covering a wide age and class range that have devoted their lives to masturbating to Odette Yustman and girls like her. This means that, when you write a post that simultaneously contains the search terms Odette Yustman, shower and naked, a lot of these guys are going to show up looking for something other than movie commentary.
- Another good way to get people looking for something that isn't there is to give your post a title that has the same name as a famous porn film from the 70s.
- You may think it's funny to take your review of a vampire movie set in Norway and give it the title Skumringen which is the Norweigian word for Twilight. Get it? Norweigian Twilight for Norweigian vampires? Yeah, you may think it's funny but no one else on the planet will. It is an excellent way to confuse Norweigians if confusing Norweigians is something you enjoy doing, but that's about it.
- Spammers can actually leave intelligent and relevant comments so don't automatically rush to delete those comments from people trying to sell you fake money for online multi-player games or the guys who say they can extend the length of your penis by three inches.
- If you jokingly say that spermicidal lube was invented by a guy named Jedidiah Twilight, you will get an extensive email correcting you on that statement as well as giving you more information on spermicidal lube than you ever wanted to know. Trust me, this WILL happen.
- From time to time, espeially if your little hobby blog only has a small number of regular readers, be sure to thank those readers and tell them that they are the finest people the world has to offer...something I have never, ever done. I'd do it now, but it would seem fake.
*I was playing Wrath Of The Lich King.
**That would be the Google Search Engine Internet Web Site to you older people.
***I'm taking a gamble that at least some of you have short term memory problems.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
How To Tell When You're Really Super Famous
You can make a movie about British currency and have it be a huge, holiday season release.
Um, that is the subject of Will Smith's new movie, Seven Pounds, right?
Um, that is the subject of Will Smith's new movie, Seven Pounds, right?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Tomato Soup
Ah Rotten Tomatoes, what would I do without you? Rottentomatoes.com is, of course, the unfortunately named movie themed website best known for collecting movie reviews from all across the country and telling us the percentage of good reviews a movie has through what they call the Tomatometer. The Tomatometer usually makes pretty good calls as to a movie's quality and has helped me on numerous occasions where I have to make a decision as to which comic book adaptation I should go see in any given week. So, what does the Tomatometer have to say about this week's upcoming releases? Mind you, these are all from early reviews and the numbers could change dramatically in the days ahead.
Well, so far it looks like a pretty tepid holiday weekend, movie-wise. The best reviewed movie so far is Australia, a movie that in no way whatsoever rips off the Humphrey Bogart/Katherine Hepburn classic The African Queen. It's about a refined woman played by Nicole Kidman who must work together with a gruff, brash, working class loner played by Hugh Jackman, just like Hepburn and Bogart had to do in The African Queen. They end up overcoming their class restrictions and falling in love in way not at all unlike the way the folks in The African Queen did. Australia, however, takes place during World War II. The African Queen was set during World War I. So there. Right now, Australia has a rating of 58% and is receiving the very definition of "mixed reviews". I heard it was one of the most expensive movies ever made so the only way I see it being a mega-hit is if it was based on a book about vampires that has a rabid teenage girl following. At least this is an Australian movie about something other than gangs riding around a post-apocalyptic Outback looking for gasoline.
Transporter 3 is currently at 43%, not that anyone who was a fan of the other 2 will give a damn. From the ads, it looks pretty much like the other Transporter films in that it will have that cheesy, European action movie look that all cheesy, European action movies have, hence the name. One thing I love is that the director's name is Olivier Megaton. Mr. Megaton was kind enough to take a break from his plot to kill the Justice League and take over the world to direct this movie and we should all thank him for it.
Todd McCarthy of Variety described Four Christmases this way:
That's pretty much the way I see it. My guess is all the laughs are in the TV ads and they aren't that funny. I do have to give kudos to Vince Vaughn for daring to stretch himself as an actor by playing a shiftless, self-centered guy who mainly tries to hustle his way through life and spends most of his time mocking and being condescending to all people, places and things around him. Come Oscar time, I'm betting the Academy won't need much in the way of con-Vince-ing. Four Christmases currently stands at 22% and I don't see it going much higher.
Milk, the lovely, sensitive and dramatic story of Harvey Milk, America's first openly gay politician, has a rating of 100%. Sean Penn is being hailed as delivering some of the best work of his illustrious career and Gus Van Sant is said to have done an amazing job at capturing one of the most important chapters in the history of civil rights for homosexuals. It looks like a wonderful film that expands your worldview and elevates the human spirit itself. This, of course, means that no one will see it.
Well, so far it looks like a pretty tepid holiday weekend, movie-wise. The best reviewed movie so far is Australia, a movie that in no way whatsoever rips off the Humphrey Bogart/Katherine Hepburn classic The African Queen. It's about a refined woman played by Nicole Kidman who must work together with a gruff, brash, working class loner played by Hugh Jackman, just like Hepburn and Bogart had to do in The African Queen. They end up overcoming their class restrictions and falling in love in way not at all unlike the way the folks in The African Queen did. Australia, however, takes place during World War II. The African Queen was set during World War I. So there. Right now, Australia has a rating of 58% and is receiving the very definition of "mixed reviews". I heard it was one of the most expensive movies ever made so the only way I see it being a mega-hit is if it was based on a book about vampires that has a rabid teenage girl following. At least this is an Australian movie about something other than gangs riding around a post-apocalyptic Outback looking for gasoline.
Transporter 3 is currently at 43%, not that anyone who was a fan of the other 2 will give a damn. From the ads, it looks pretty much like the other Transporter films in that it will have that cheesy, European action movie look that all cheesy, European action movies have, hence the name. One thing I love is that the director's name is Olivier Megaton. Mr. Megaton was kind enough to take a break from his plot to kill the Justice League and take over the world to direct this movie and we should all thank him for it.
Todd McCarthy of Variety described Four Christmases this way:
[An] oddly misanthropic, occasionally amusing but thoroughly cheerless holiday attraction.
That's pretty much the way I see it. My guess is all the laughs are in the TV ads and they aren't that funny. I do have to give kudos to Vince Vaughn for daring to stretch himself as an actor by playing a shiftless, self-centered guy who mainly tries to hustle his way through life and spends most of his time mocking and being condescending to all people, places and things around him. Come Oscar time, I'm betting the Academy won't need much in the way of con-Vince-ing. Four Christmases currently stands at 22% and I don't see it going much higher.
Milk, the lovely, sensitive and dramatic story of Harvey Milk, America's first openly gay politician, has a rating of 100%. Sean Penn is being hailed as delivering some of the best work of his illustrious career and Gus Van Sant is said to have done an amazing job at capturing one of the most important chapters in the history of civil rights for homosexuals. It looks like a wonderful film that expands your worldview and elevates the human spirit itself. This, of course, means that no one will see it.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The Ungood
It's been a while since I've done Movies I Haven't Seen and for good reason. The concept here is I review an unreleased movie that is obviously going to suck and warn the world, thus making the planet safe for democracy. The problem is that, occasionally, a movie is a victim of poor marketing (for instance, I liked Role Models even though I hated its ads) that I'm scared to go after anything that isn't really sucky fruit hanging low off a really sucky tree. This means my targets so far have been Larry the Cable Guy, Dane Cook and, of course, An American Carol.
The Unborn, however, is not a 100% surefire disaster. I'd say the odds of it being good are 99 bazillion to one against, but this could be the one out of the 99 bazillion. Before we go any further, let's watch the trailer:
So, what did we learn? First off, the idea that the world's most dangerous profession is to be a beautiful, female babysitter working alone has once again been affirmed. In this case, the babysitter is played by Cloverfield babe Odette Yustman who plays a girl named Casey who, after being overpowered by a four year old, decides to go for a soothing jog. It must be extremely important to the plot that we see her in the shower though how seeing her naked advances the story at all was not revealed in the trailer. I know because I looked at that part over and over trying to glean what must have been the relevant plot point. Anyway, Casey is obviously not one of those girls who obsesses over herself in the mirror since she managed to get into her early 20s without ever noticing that her eyes were different colors. A doctor tells her this can happen with twins but OH DEAR GOD SHE'S AN ONLY CHILD.
But no, it turns out she is not an only child. She had a twin brother who died in the womb which, ordinarily, would have been the end of that except that the dead twin has now returned as some sort of demon kid played by a very lucky young man who got paid to grope Odette Yustman while she was sleeping.
This is when we see "From Producer Michael Bay" a name synonymous with quality, assuming you think that "quality" means "huge hits that routinely wind up on Ten Worst Movies Of The Year lists." This is the first blow of a One-Two Punch the movie receives, the second being, "And David S. Goyer, co writer of Batman Begins and the Dark Knight". Well, okay, that sounds good until you discover that Goyer is actually directing this movie, not just writing it. As a director, Goyer has treated us to such cinematic gems as The Invisible (I don't know what that is and I don't want to know) and Blade: Trinity, the movie that destroyed the Blade series and was such a trauma for Wesley Snipes that he ended up getting convicted in federal court for tax evasion. (I'm sure there was some sort of cause/effect there though I'm not going to try to confirm this because I'll look stupid if there wasn't.) Oh, we also see Gary Oldman, a guy who long ago entered the, "I'll be in anything as long as the check clears," phase of his career. This is the pedigree with which the movie is working.
After this, the trailer goes in an incoherent phase where it starts throwing everything at us to see what sticks. We've got human faced dog, contorted old guys running bug-like across the floor, and an exorcism which, for some reason, had to held in a dark, atmospherically lit room instead of outdoors on a pleasant, sunny day. None of this matters since the evil demon kid had apparently reached all-powerful status.
Another nail in the movie's coffin is that it's coming out in January, the month where bad movies go to die. Releasing a movie in January is one step above a Direct-to-DVD release and it almost always means that the filmmakers said, "Screw it, release it in January and hope nobody notices."
Finally, we see the fifth of the trailer's five distinctly different plots where Casey does what all haunted girls do, roam around by herself in a spooky house and approach some creepy looking woman who is alone in a furniture-free room. Hopefully, this all has a happy ending leaving Casey free to take many public showers in the future.
I believe that I have made a concincing case that The Unborn will be a stupid, incoherent, gory mess which will be unwatchable even with sexy, naked girls in it. The thing about Movies I haven't Seen is that, so far, the movies have turned out to be even worse than I predicted. This means that there is a very real possibility that a rabid raccoon will break into each and every theater that is showing The Unborn and attack the face and genitals of each and every person who buys a ticket since that's the only thing that could make the experience of seeing this movie any worse. Fortunately, you have read this and will know to avoid any theater showing this movie which means you will be the envy of all your horribly disfigured friends who don't read this site.
You're welcome.
The Unborn, however, is not a 100% surefire disaster. I'd say the odds of it being good are 99 bazillion to one against, but this could be the one out of the 99 bazillion. Before we go any further, let's watch the trailer:
So, what did we learn? First off, the idea that the world's most dangerous profession is to be a beautiful, female babysitter working alone has once again been affirmed. In this case, the babysitter is played by Cloverfield babe Odette Yustman who plays a girl named Casey who, after being overpowered by a four year old, decides to go for a soothing jog. It must be extremely important to the plot that we see her in the shower though how seeing her naked advances the story at all was not revealed in the trailer. I know because I looked at that part over and over trying to glean what must have been the relevant plot point. Anyway, Casey is obviously not one of those girls who obsesses over herself in the mirror since she managed to get into her early 20s without ever noticing that her eyes were different colors. A doctor tells her this can happen with twins but OH DEAR GOD SHE'S AN ONLY CHILD.
But no, it turns out she is not an only child. She had a twin brother who died in the womb which, ordinarily, would have been the end of that except that the dead twin has now returned as some sort of demon kid played by a very lucky young man who got paid to grope Odette Yustman while she was sleeping.
This is when we see "From Producer Michael Bay" a name synonymous with quality, assuming you think that "quality" means "huge hits that routinely wind up on Ten Worst Movies Of The Year lists." This is the first blow of a One-Two Punch the movie receives, the second being, "And David S. Goyer, co writer of Batman Begins and the Dark Knight". Well, okay, that sounds good until you discover that Goyer is actually directing this movie, not just writing it. As a director, Goyer has treated us to such cinematic gems as The Invisible (I don't know what that is and I don't want to know) and Blade: Trinity, the movie that destroyed the Blade series and was such a trauma for Wesley Snipes that he ended up getting convicted in federal court for tax evasion. (I'm sure there was some sort of cause/effect there though I'm not going to try to confirm this because I'll look stupid if there wasn't.) Oh, we also see Gary Oldman, a guy who long ago entered the, "I'll be in anything as long as the check clears," phase of his career. This is the pedigree with which the movie is working.
After this, the trailer goes in an incoherent phase where it starts throwing everything at us to see what sticks. We've got human faced dog, contorted old guys running bug-like across the floor, and an exorcism which, for some reason, had to held in a dark, atmospherically lit room instead of outdoors on a pleasant, sunny day. None of this matters since the evil demon kid had apparently reached all-powerful status.
Another nail in the movie's coffin is that it's coming out in January, the month where bad movies go to die. Releasing a movie in January is one step above a Direct-to-DVD release and it almost always means that the filmmakers said, "Screw it, release it in January and hope nobody notices."
Finally, we see the fifth of the trailer's five distinctly different plots where Casey does what all haunted girls do, roam around by herself in a spooky house and approach some creepy looking woman who is alone in a furniture-free room. Hopefully, this all has a happy ending leaving Casey free to take many public showers in the future.
I believe that I have made a concincing case that The Unborn will be a stupid, incoherent, gory mess which will be unwatchable even with sexy, naked girls in it. The thing about Movies I haven't Seen is that, so far, the movies have turned out to be even worse than I predicted. This means that there is a very real possibility that a rabid raccoon will break into each and every theater that is showing The Unborn and attack the face and genitals of each and every person who buys a ticket since that's the only thing that could make the experience of seeing this movie any worse. Fortunately, you have read this and will know to avoid any theater showing this movie which means you will be the envy of all your horribly disfigured friends who don't read this site.
You're welcome.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Sucking More Than Blood
Going to the movies was something of a problem for me this weekend since I couldn't get anyone to go with me and my choices for new releases were Bolt, the new animated Disney film starring Miley Cyrus and John Travolta and Twilight, the teen vampire movie starring some goofs you've never heard of. Had I gone to see Bolt, I would have been sitting by myself in a theater full of children and looking like the creepy guy who hangs around school yards handing out candy. Instead, I went to see Twilight in which I sat by myself in a theater full of teenagers looking like the creepy guy who throws beer parties for high school kids. Sad that my life has been reduced to being one of the lesser of two evils.
Twilight was interesting in that pretty much every one there had either read the book or was with someone who had. In the line outside the theater, packs of teenage girls were chatting incessantly about whether the guy who played Edward was hot or that they wanted to get the same hairstyle as the girl who played Alice. In my case, Edward and Alice could come up to me and kick me in the balls and I wouldn't be able to tell the cops who had done it. I felt like I was in that dream where I'm in class taking a test I hadn't studied for while everyone else is peeking at the Teacher's Edition of the textbook. I'll say right now that I wasn't that impressed with Twilight especially after having seen a much better movie last week called Let The Right One In that dealt with the subject of vampires in a much more serious and thought provoking way. Twilight is basically a clothesline upon which the filmmakers hung various bits of romantic melodrama and some action sequences. However, as I have seen both from talking to people after the movie and from several articles and forum posts, people who have read the book love it whereas people who haven't think it should treated like a turkey is in a Sarah Palin interview.
As the movie opens, we meet Bella Swan, a character almost unique in the movies in that she's played by 18 year old actress Kristen Stewart, meaning that the character is a teenage girl who is played an actual, honest to god teenage girl instead a woman in her late 20s. Bella's mom wants to travel with her second husband, a minor league baseball player, so Bella moves to a rural town in Washington to live with her father Charlie, the local police chief. Bella and Charlie haven't seen each other for a few years and are awkward and uncomfortable around each other. In fact, they look so awkward and uncomfortable that you'd think it was intentional and that they were putting a great deal of effort into the whole thing.
At her new school, Bella meets a diverse group of characters including the Cullens, a group of five foster kids with pasty skin who mostly keep to themselves and live like a porn version of the Brady Bunch in that they are also couples. All them, that is, except an odd man out named Edward (Robert Pattinson), a fellow who is JUST THE CUTEST, MOST ADORABLE THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN AND OH MY GOD I THINK HE WINKED AT ME. And yeah, the Cullens are all vampires, a fact I just spoiled for you unless you have been in Guantonamo and have never seen the movie's poster, ads, reviews, cast interviews, MTV profiles or have just not been around a group of teenage girls for the past several weeks. Edward ends up being Bella's lab partner in Biology class and at first indicates that he is revolted by the way she smells (although it turned out that she actually smells extra tasty). For those of you who have seen movies, watched television, been to the theater or read books at least once in your life, you recognize this as the age old plot device where two people destined to be soulmates at first can't stand each other.
Edward and Bella eventually do start getting along although they always look constipated when they're together. Bella actually turns out not to be an idiot and figures out that Edward and the rest of the Cullen family are vampires and then throws the whole "turns out not to be an idiot" conclusion into doubt when she declares her undying love for a guy who she knows to be a freakin' vampire.
While all this is going on, people in the town are being ripped apart in a series of what are thought to be animal attacks but are actually being committed by a group of evil vampires that, in a moment of prescience and genius on my part, I accurately described in my review of Let The Right One In. In fact, this one paragraph could have been used as the review of Twilight:
AND I CALLED IT! Sure enough, a skilled tracker vampire named James, who explicitly cultivates the "evil douchebag" look, picks up Bella's unusual scent (a condition I'm sure has been explored by now in the book's sequels as well as the fact that Edward's ability to read minds doesn't work on her) and, having no respect for the concept of a vampire calling "dibs" on a human, begins to hunt her. You can probably figure out where the story goes from here, but, on the off chance that you are retarded, I won't reveal it here.
As I said, judging by audience reaction as the closing credits rolled, your appreciation of the movie depends on your knowledge and appreciation of the books. One 18 year old girl who had read all the books described the movie to me as "amazing" and told me that there were a lot of details that had been left out of the movie that probably would have made me a fan. In cases like this, I am always of the opinion that movies should be enjoyable without having to do homework before seeing it. When I asked the girl's date, a guy who had read none of the books, if he liked it he sort of mumbled something that, if I have any skill at accurately translating teenage mumblings, meant, "Dude, I'm not gonna say I hated it in front of her because, if I do, I have zero chance of seeing her naked tonight." I like that Twilight at least serves the purpose of putting romantic notions into girls' heads which guys can then use to get laid. That's a movie that I can truly respect.
Twilight was interesting in that pretty much every one there had either read the book or was with someone who had. In the line outside the theater, packs of teenage girls were chatting incessantly about whether the guy who played Edward was hot or that they wanted to get the same hairstyle as the girl who played Alice. In my case, Edward and Alice could come up to me and kick me in the balls and I wouldn't be able to tell the cops who had done it. I felt like I was in that dream where I'm in class taking a test I hadn't studied for while everyone else is peeking at the Teacher's Edition of the textbook. I'll say right now that I wasn't that impressed with Twilight especially after having seen a much better movie last week called Let The Right One In that dealt with the subject of vampires in a much more serious and thought provoking way. Twilight is basically a clothesline upon which the filmmakers hung various bits of romantic melodrama and some action sequences. However, as I have seen both from talking to people after the movie and from several articles and forum posts, people who have read the book love it whereas people who haven't think it should treated like a turkey is in a Sarah Palin interview.
As the movie opens, we meet Bella Swan, a character almost unique in the movies in that she's played by 18 year old actress Kristen Stewart, meaning that the character is a teenage girl who is played an actual, honest to god teenage girl instead a woman in her late 20s. Bella's mom wants to travel with her second husband, a minor league baseball player, so Bella moves to a rural town in Washington to live with her father Charlie, the local police chief. Bella and Charlie haven't seen each other for a few years and are awkward and uncomfortable around each other. In fact, they look so awkward and uncomfortable that you'd think it was intentional and that they were putting a great deal of effort into the whole thing.
At her new school, Bella meets a diverse group of characters including the Cullens, a group of five foster kids with pasty skin who mostly keep to themselves and live like a porn version of the Brady Bunch in that they are also couples. All them, that is, except an odd man out named Edward (Robert Pattinson), a fellow who is JUST THE CUTEST, MOST ADORABLE THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN AND OH MY GOD I THINK HE WINKED AT ME. And yeah, the Cullens are all vampires, a fact I just spoiled for you unless you have been in Guantonamo and have never seen the movie's poster, ads, reviews, cast interviews, MTV profiles or have just not been around a group of teenage girls for the past several weeks. Edward ends up being Bella's lab partner in Biology class and at first indicates that he is revolted by the way she smells (although it turned out that she actually smells extra tasty). For those of you who have seen movies, watched television, been to the theater or read books at least once in your life, you recognize this as the age old plot device where two people destined to be soulmates at first can't stand each other.
Edward and Bella eventually do start getting along although they always look constipated when they're together. Bella actually turns out not to be an idiot and figures out that Edward and the rest of the Cullen family are vampires and then throws the whole "turns out not to be an idiot" conclusion into doubt when she declares her undying love for a guy who she knows to be a freakin' vampire.
While all this is going on, people in the town are being ripped apart in a series of what are thought to be animal attacks but are actually being committed by a group of evil vampires that, in a moment of prescience and genius on my part, I accurately described in my review of Let The Right One In. In fact, this one paragraph could have been used as the review of Twilight:
They all follow basically the same model: a virginal, innocent ingenue meets up with some mysterious pretty boy who turns out to be a vampire. She quickly falls in love and has hot sex with his cold body but it all turns bad when she meets the other vampires who are always total douchebags. The evil vamps are decadent Eurotrash types who look perpetually bored and always have dialogue like, "These mortals are no better than cattle." Eventually the good and evil vampires go against each other and have elaborate fight scenes before good triumphs and the undead pretty boy and his hot not-quite-so-virginal-anymore girlfriend live happily ever after until the next episode or a sequel.
AND I CALLED IT! Sure enough, a skilled tracker vampire named James, who explicitly cultivates the "evil douchebag" look, picks up Bella's unusual scent (a condition I'm sure has been explored by now in the book's sequels as well as the fact that Edward's ability to read minds doesn't work on her) and, having no respect for the concept of a vampire calling "dibs" on a human, begins to hunt her. You can probably figure out where the story goes from here, but, on the off chance that you are retarded, I won't reveal it here.
As I said, judging by audience reaction as the closing credits rolled, your appreciation of the movie depends on your knowledge and appreciation of the books. One 18 year old girl who had read all the books described the movie to me as "amazing" and told me that there were a lot of details that had been left out of the movie that probably would have made me a fan. In cases like this, I am always of the opinion that movies should be enjoyable without having to do homework before seeing it. When I asked the girl's date, a guy who had read none of the books, if he liked it he sort of mumbled something that, if I have any skill at accurately translating teenage mumblings, meant, "Dude, I'm not gonna say I hated it in front of her because, if I do, I have zero chance of seeing her naked tonight." I like that Twilight at least serves the purpose of putting romantic notions into girls' heads which guys can then use to get laid. That's a movie that I can truly respect.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
How Do I Put This?
Okay...um...hmm. Apparently, they're taking the old anime series Astro Boy and making it into a movie. I have never read the manga or seen the show. I don't own any books, T-shirts, or undergarments related to Astro Boy. If Astro Boy products were the world's currency, I'd be flat broke. If the governments of the world outlawed all things Astro Boy tomorrow, it would have the same effect on me as the news of who Miley Cyrus is dating did (that being zero effect). What I'm trying to say is that I have no stake in Astro Boy whatsoever. I'm not some rabid Astro Boy fan who climaxes at the mere thought of an Astro Boy film. I say all that to lend credibility to the following statement:
HOLY FREAKING CRAP, THIS LOOKS COOL!
Mind you, this is a 1 minute teaser for a movie almost a year away, but I acknowledge its potential AND OH MY GOD IT LOOKS SO COOL.
That is all.
HOLY FREAKING CRAP, THIS LOOKS COOL!
Mind you, this is a 1 minute teaser for a movie almost a year away, but I acknowledge its potential AND OH MY GOD IT LOOKS SO COOL.
That is all.
Friday, November 21, 2008
An Ass Out Of You And Me
Never assume what the content of a movie will be based on its title. For instance, you may think that a new movie starring Sean Penn and Josh Brolin called Milk was about a cold, tasty beverage that's good and good for you.
Not so much, no.
This makes me think the movie Twilight may not, in fact, be a drama about Jedediah Twilight, the guy who invented spermicidal lube. Damn, I was looking forward to that too. He was a great man who deserves to have his story told.
Not so much, no.
This makes me think the movie Twilight may not, in fact, be a drama about Jedediah Twilight, the guy who invented spermicidal lube. Damn, I was looking forward to that too. He was a great man who deserves to have his story told.
Read This To Win One Million Dollars And Nude Pictures Of Kristen Stewart
Hit counts have dropped a bit this week so I put up that fake headline. This also has the possibility of people getting mad and deleting their Clear's Own bookmark but sometimes you gotta take the chance.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Alarmed
When I saw that the complete series of Charmed was being released on DVD, I thought to myself, "Who the hell would pay over $170 for that?" That thought was followed by the realization that I never want to know the answer to that question. If you are the kind of person who has only bothered to stay alive this long so that you could live to see a massive box set stuffed full of 8 seasons worth of mediocre television on your mantle then I don't want to know you. If you are a friend or family member who fits this description, please pay any debts you owe me or collect any debts owed and quietly remove yourself from my life. If you are continuing your association with me and I go to your home one day to see a DVD with pictures of Alyssa Milano on the cover, it damn well better be that vampire movie she was naked in because if it turns out to also have Rose McGowan and Holly Marie Combs as her witch-sisters, there will be hell to pay. You have been warned.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Skumringen
Let The Right One In is a Norwegian film about the darker side of childhood and what life can be like for kids who are, either intentionally or through circumstances beyond their control, outsiders. First, there is Oskar. He's an outsider because he's weak and easy prey for bullies. Then there's Eli. She's an outsider because she's a vampire.
I'm sure when wrote that everyone thought, "Oh Lord, not another Norwegian movie about vampires." But seriously, Let The Right One In is an absolute gem. Since I saw it on Saturday, my mind has gone back to it again and again. This is a movie about children that children won't be allowed to see even though many of them would probably understand the things that Oskar and Eli go through better than many adults would. What they wouldn't understand is the violence and how seriously the movie takes the subject of vampires.
There's currently a spate of vampire stories in book, television and movies these days, most notably an HBO show called Fangs and Boobs* and this Friday's theatrical release of Twilight. They all follow basically the same model: a virginal, innocent ingenue meets up with some mysterious pretty boy who turns out to be a vampire. She quickly falls in love and has hot sex with his cold body but it all turns bad when she meets the other vampires who are always total douchebags. The evil vamps are decadent Eurotrash types who look perpetually bored and always have dialogue like, "These mortals are no better than cattle." Eventually the good and evil vampires go against each other and have elaborate fight scenes before good triumphs and the undead pretty boy and his hot not-quite-so-virginal-anymore girlfriend live happily ever after until the next episode or a sequel.
Eli is not a "good" vampire. She doesn't steal from blood banks or drink from pigs or lull humans gently into a pleasant hypnotic state to take just a bit of their blood. She brutally murders people so that she can live. She rips holes in their arteries and drinks their blood then breaks their necks because, if she left them alive, they'd become like her and the world would be full of vampires. These are not clean kills. Eli's face and clothes are always covered with blood after she feeds. Eli does have not contempt for the mortal race and often shows signs of conscience which probably makes what she does worse but she long ago made the decision to live even if it meant that the rest of the world would have to bleed and die.
When we first meet them, Oskar (who's probably the most Norweigan looking kid you'll ever see) is waving around a knife and fantasizing that he is stabbing the bullies who torment him. Out of his window he sees a cab pull up to drop off the new tenants moving into his apartment building. One of them is Håkan and the other is Eli (who's probably the least Norwegian looking kid you'll ever see) a girl whom you assume at first to be his daughter. You later see Håkan calmly packing items into a shoulder bag, items like knives, a funnel, a plastic jug and some sort of air tank that turns out to contain a knockout drug. It's Håkan's job to get blood for Eli so that she doesn't have to have her conscience tormented by doing her own killing.
It's never explained who Håkan is or why he does these things for Eli. At first I thought he was maybe her brother who had grown old while Eli had remained a girl. Then I thought maybe they'd met more recently and that, perhaps, he was a pedophile who was intrigued by the idea of the object of his desires would never grow to become a woman which would also explain why he seems jealous when Oskar and Eli become friends. I lean more in the "met recently" camp because Håkan thoroughly sucks at his job. His first kill takes place in a brightly lit and well traveled park where a dog chases him off and his second attempt at getting blood goes even worse for him. His devotion to Eli, though, is so through that he makes a gruesome sacrifice rather than risk her exposure.
Oskar and Eli meet in the apartment building's playground when Oskar is once again pretending to be stabbing bullies. In the middle of a Norwegian winter, Eli is outside wearing neither a coat nor shoes. She has intense, piercing eyes. And she smells. Like a corpse. She makes a point of saying that they cannot be friends yet oskar is intrigued and makes a point to hang out in the playground the next night. He pretends to be totally indifferent to her in the way that kids do but he does leave his Rubik's Cube and is impressed when he finds it the next day to see that she solved it. When they next meet, Eli has cleaned up and put on better clothes. I suspect that Eli is sizing Oskar up as a possible replacement for Håkan, or maybe she just wants a friend.
They grow closer and, when she finds herself alone, she somehow gets up to Oskar's window (she honestly tells Oskar that she flew up, a truth that Oskar understandably dismisses) but says she can't come in unless Oskar invites her and, in a later scene, we see the dire physical consequences of what happens when this particular bit of vampire lore is not fulfilled. When he does, she takes off her bloody clothes in the dark and gets in bed with him. Oskar is 12 and doesn't realize that this is the last time in his life that a naked girl can get in his bed and have it be considered a sweet and innocent act. He even asks Eli if she wants to be his girlfriend. Follow the asterisks for the spoiler of what happens next.**
When Eli does eventually confess her true nature to Oskar, he's overtaken by confusion. He knows he should be repulsed and run away but he has seen her good and decent side. She's the first true friend he's ever had and his divorced parents are too absorbed in their own lives to care that much for him. This makes each of them the only person on the planet who really gives a damn about the other one. In the short time they've known each other, their friendship has become the only thing that meks their sad live bearable. It's no wonder that Oskar doesn't want to give her up even when he sees her kill someone and why he stands passively as she gives him his first kiss even though a dead man's blood is still on her lips.
I've heard there will be a Hollywood remake of this movie for all the Americans who have an intense fear of subtitles. I have no idea how they will handle the story's dark themes and ideas. This is not a movie that shows and reinforces society's standard moral values. If it were, then the scene at the swimming pool (an awesome scene, by the way) where Oskar witnesses exactly what Eli is capable of against the bullies who confront him there would have Oskar vomiting in disgust and rejecting Eli forever. Instead, the 12 year old boy and the girl who has "been 12 for a very long time" smile at one another, smiles that signify friendship and first love. That's why Eli lets Oskar into her life. He smiles when he sees her and he's the only one who does.
*Those of you who have seen True Blood know that this is what it should be called.
**SPOILER: When Oskar asks her to be his girlfriend, Eli matter of factly states that she's not a girl. There is a bit of controversy to this as some think that she means she is not human but others think that she is, in fact, a boy. I'm going to keep referring to her as a girl because that's how I think of her.
I'm sure when wrote that everyone thought, "Oh Lord, not another Norwegian movie about vampires." But seriously, Let The Right One In is an absolute gem. Since I saw it on Saturday, my mind has gone back to it again and again. This is a movie about children that children won't be allowed to see even though many of them would probably understand the things that Oskar and Eli go through better than many adults would. What they wouldn't understand is the violence and how seriously the movie takes the subject of vampires.
There's currently a spate of vampire stories in book, television and movies these days, most notably an HBO show called Fangs and Boobs* and this Friday's theatrical release of Twilight. They all follow basically the same model: a virginal, innocent ingenue meets up with some mysterious pretty boy who turns out to be a vampire. She quickly falls in love and has hot sex with his cold body but it all turns bad when she meets the other vampires who are always total douchebags. The evil vamps are decadent Eurotrash types who look perpetually bored and always have dialogue like, "These mortals are no better than cattle." Eventually the good and evil vampires go against each other and have elaborate fight scenes before good triumphs and the undead pretty boy and his hot not-quite-so-virginal-anymore girlfriend live happily ever after until the next episode or a sequel.
Eli is not a "good" vampire. She doesn't steal from blood banks or drink from pigs or lull humans gently into a pleasant hypnotic state to take just a bit of their blood. She brutally murders people so that she can live. She rips holes in their arteries and drinks their blood then breaks their necks because, if she left them alive, they'd become like her and the world would be full of vampires. These are not clean kills. Eli's face and clothes are always covered with blood after she feeds. Eli does have not contempt for the mortal race and often shows signs of conscience which probably makes what she does worse but she long ago made the decision to live even if it meant that the rest of the world would have to bleed and die.
When we first meet them, Oskar (who's probably the most Norweigan looking kid you'll ever see) is waving around a knife and fantasizing that he is stabbing the bullies who torment him. Out of his window he sees a cab pull up to drop off the new tenants moving into his apartment building. One of them is Håkan and the other is Eli (who's probably the least Norwegian looking kid you'll ever see) a girl whom you assume at first to be his daughter. You later see Håkan calmly packing items into a shoulder bag, items like knives, a funnel, a plastic jug and some sort of air tank that turns out to contain a knockout drug. It's Håkan's job to get blood for Eli so that she doesn't have to have her conscience tormented by doing her own killing.
It's never explained who Håkan is or why he does these things for Eli. At first I thought he was maybe her brother who had grown old while Eli had remained a girl. Then I thought maybe they'd met more recently and that, perhaps, he was a pedophile who was intrigued by the idea of the object of his desires would never grow to become a woman which would also explain why he seems jealous when Oskar and Eli become friends. I lean more in the "met recently" camp because Håkan thoroughly sucks at his job. His first kill takes place in a brightly lit and well traveled park where a dog chases him off and his second attempt at getting blood goes even worse for him. His devotion to Eli, though, is so through that he makes a gruesome sacrifice rather than risk her exposure.
Oskar and Eli meet in the apartment building's playground when Oskar is once again pretending to be stabbing bullies. In the middle of a Norwegian winter, Eli is outside wearing neither a coat nor shoes. She has intense, piercing eyes. And she smells. Like a corpse. She makes a point of saying that they cannot be friends yet oskar is intrigued and makes a point to hang out in the playground the next night. He pretends to be totally indifferent to her in the way that kids do but he does leave his Rubik's Cube and is impressed when he finds it the next day to see that she solved it. When they next meet, Eli has cleaned up and put on better clothes. I suspect that Eli is sizing Oskar up as a possible replacement for Håkan, or maybe she just wants a friend.
They grow closer and, when she finds herself alone, she somehow gets up to Oskar's window (she honestly tells Oskar that she flew up, a truth that Oskar understandably dismisses) but says she can't come in unless Oskar invites her and, in a later scene, we see the dire physical consequences of what happens when this particular bit of vampire lore is not fulfilled. When he does, she takes off her bloody clothes in the dark and gets in bed with him. Oskar is 12 and doesn't realize that this is the last time in his life that a naked girl can get in his bed and have it be considered a sweet and innocent act. He even asks Eli if she wants to be his girlfriend. Follow the asterisks for the spoiler of what happens next.**
When Eli does eventually confess her true nature to Oskar, he's overtaken by confusion. He knows he should be repulsed and run away but he has seen her good and decent side. She's the first true friend he's ever had and his divorced parents are too absorbed in their own lives to care that much for him. This makes each of them the only person on the planet who really gives a damn about the other one. In the short time they've known each other, their friendship has become the only thing that meks their sad live bearable. It's no wonder that Oskar doesn't want to give her up even when he sees her kill someone and why he stands passively as she gives him his first kiss even though a dead man's blood is still on her lips.
I've heard there will be a Hollywood remake of this movie for all the Americans who have an intense fear of subtitles. I have no idea how they will handle the story's dark themes and ideas. This is not a movie that shows and reinforces society's standard moral values. If it were, then the scene at the swimming pool (an awesome scene, by the way) where Oskar witnesses exactly what Eli is capable of against the bullies who confront him there would have Oskar vomiting in disgust and rejecting Eli forever. Instead, the 12 year old boy and the girl who has "been 12 for a very long time" smile at one another, smiles that signify friendship and first love. That's why Eli lets Oskar into her life. He smiles when he sees her and he's the only one who does.
*Those of you who have seen True Blood know that this is what it should be called.
**SPOILER: When Oskar asks her to be his girlfriend, Eli matter of factly states that she's not a girl. There is a bit of controversy to this as some think that she means she is not human but others think that she is, in fact, a boy. I'm going to keep referring to her as a girl because that's how I think of her.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Dollop Of Decent Filmness
So, the director of Monster's Ball got together with the writer of Million Dollar Baby got together to apply their Oscar winning Indie-flick sensibilities in a way that would re-imagine the character of James Bond. What should have then been the cinematic equivalent of top sirloin then got chucked into the big studio meat grinder whose concept of "re-imagine" usually ends up being "do exactly what the last big hit did" which means James Bond was morphed into Jason Bourne. Mind you, I like the Bourne movies, but I like Bond movies too and a Bond movie was what I was expecting to see. Instead, what we now have is weak hybrid of both and a grim James Bond who no longer drinks vodka martinis or plays cards and is now a math genius whose best friend is Ben Affleck.
This movie opens pretty much right where Casino Royale left off. Bond's upset that his lover from the last movie, Vesper Lynd, ended up being a traitor and dying at the hands of those for whom she worked. Fortunately, he has a way of working through his grief, that way being destroying large swaths of public property while pursuing bad guys and shooting suspects in the head. He gets to do a lot of this as he tries to track down yet another super secret evil organization. I really miss the fact that Bond once had the Russians to chase down because since the fall of the Soviet Union, Bond villains have always been drug dealers or lame corporate types. Fighting these guys lacks the style and romance of fighting the Russians who were a genuine threat to the world. In this case, the enemy is called Quantum, a group of rich guys who secretly run the world trying to become richer by secretly running even more of the world. A captured operative laughs when Bond and M (Judi Dench) try to interrogate him stating, "We have people everywhere," and then proves that by being shot by one of Bond's fellow MI6 agents, a fellow who was obviously a bad guy due to the fact that everyone kept saying his name and the camera kept cutting to him.
Bond eventually follows vague clues to Haiti and a beautiful woman named Camille (Olga Kurylenko). Camille breaks yet another Bond tradition by not having a suggestive name, maybe something like Camille Andfeelmeup, although there is a British diplomat later on in the film named Strawberry Fields who jumps into bed with Bond even though she just met him and thinks he's a jerk but that was too little, too late. Anyway, Camille, like Bond, is dark and grim and motivated by revenge which is why she's hooked herself up to some doughy English rich guy named Dominic Greene. Publicly, Greene heads an environmentally conscious company trying to save polar bears and whatnot. Privately, he's in charge of Quantum (which is why Bond wants him) and is in Haiti to make arrangements to overthrow the government of Bolivia and hand it to a stereotypical dictator type who also happened to be the fellow who killed Camille's parents.
Got all that? I hope so cause it's making my head hurt and I'd hate to have to explain it again.
There's one great scene where Bond intelligently and efficiently exposes the people behind Quantum and one decent joke where he's supposed to be undercover as a scholar on sabbatical and adds, "Also, I won the lottery," to explain why he's staying at a four star hotel. Other than that, the rest of the movie is random action and pretty explosions spliced in with Bond and Camille jabbering on about depressed they are.
In the end, it's ok but I wanted more. I wrote on Friday about how my expectations had been raised for this and today I must write that this movie did not meet my expectations, but I suppose, judging by the record setting world wide box office, that most people like what they're seeing. Like I said, it's ok-kind of good-sort of decent mindless escapism. You know, just like Monster's Ball and Million Dollar baby were. I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything else.
This movie opens pretty much right where Casino Royale left off. Bond's upset that his lover from the last movie, Vesper Lynd, ended up being a traitor and dying at the hands of those for whom she worked. Fortunately, he has a way of working through his grief, that way being destroying large swaths of public property while pursuing bad guys and shooting suspects in the head. He gets to do a lot of this as he tries to track down yet another super secret evil organization. I really miss the fact that Bond once had the Russians to chase down because since the fall of the Soviet Union, Bond villains have always been drug dealers or lame corporate types. Fighting these guys lacks the style and romance of fighting the Russians who were a genuine threat to the world. In this case, the enemy is called Quantum, a group of rich guys who secretly run the world trying to become richer by secretly running even more of the world. A captured operative laughs when Bond and M (Judi Dench) try to interrogate him stating, "We have people everywhere," and then proves that by being shot by one of Bond's fellow MI6 agents, a fellow who was obviously a bad guy due to the fact that everyone kept saying his name and the camera kept cutting to him.
Bond eventually follows vague clues to Haiti and a beautiful woman named Camille (Olga Kurylenko). Camille breaks yet another Bond tradition by not having a suggestive name, maybe something like Camille Andfeelmeup, although there is a British diplomat later on in the film named Strawberry Fields who jumps into bed with Bond even though she just met him and thinks he's a jerk but that was too little, too late. Anyway, Camille, like Bond, is dark and grim and motivated by revenge which is why she's hooked herself up to some doughy English rich guy named Dominic Greene. Publicly, Greene heads an environmentally conscious company trying to save polar bears and whatnot. Privately, he's in charge of Quantum (which is why Bond wants him) and is in Haiti to make arrangements to overthrow the government of Bolivia and hand it to a stereotypical dictator type who also happened to be the fellow who killed Camille's parents.
Got all that? I hope so cause it's making my head hurt and I'd hate to have to explain it again.
There's one great scene where Bond intelligently and efficiently exposes the people behind Quantum and one decent joke where he's supposed to be undercover as a scholar on sabbatical and adds, "Also, I won the lottery," to explain why he's staying at a four star hotel. Other than that, the rest of the movie is random action and pretty explosions spliced in with Bond and Camille jabbering on about depressed they are.
In the end, it's ok but I wanted more. I wrote on Friday about how my expectations had been raised for this and today I must write that this movie did not meet my expectations, but I suppose, judging by the record setting world wide box office, that most people like what they're seeing. Like I said, it's ok-kind of good-sort of decent mindless escapism. You know, just like Monster's Ball and Million Dollar baby were. I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything else.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Things I've Learned From Watching Movies Part 50
I'd always believed that Australians basically split their time between protecting their kids from baby eating dingos and riding around the Outback in souped-up dune buggies and motor bikes looking for gasoline. Turns out they do way more than that. Who knew?
Friday, November 14, 2008
Closing My Eyes And Thinking Of England
Ok, they did it. I didn't think it was possible but the makers of Quantum Of Solace have actually managed to raise my expectations. I'm actually thinking that this will be a good movie and not in the "Ooh, pretty explosions" kind of good but good in the "Hell yeah, that raw tuna eating bastard Kurosawa only WISHED he had made something this good" kind of way. This annoys me for two reasons. The first is that, for several weeks, I've been planning to call my review of the movie "Quantum Of Sol-Ass" in anticipation of it sucking. I don't know what the hell I'll call it now.
The second reason is that, since I now think it will be good, I'll be even more pissed if it turns out to be bad. Before, my attitude would have been, "Well, there's two hours of my life I'll never get back." Now, only the physical pain from an actual kick to the gonads will be able to alleviate the existential pain I'll experience from the metaphorical kick to the gonads I will receive if Quantum Of Solace turns out to suck.
It's getting decent reviews but but some critics are underwhelmed. Internet comments from people who have already seen it are no help. For every "OMFG THIS IS MOST AWESOMEST MOVEE EVER" you get a "this is the gayest, most retarded thing i have ever seen" and you can't even read those without plowing through all the guys who feel they have to share "Man, Olga Kurylenko is awesome, I want to cum on her tits" with the world.
Maybe I'll just skip it and never risk having my expectations dashed. It's like how I've never read Isaac Asimov's Forward The Foundation even though it's been sitting on my bookshelf for 15 years. I would just hate if what was not only Asimov's last Foundation story but also his last novel ever turned out to be a total steaming pile of crap. But no, I'll go see it and, if it does turn out to be bad, I'll try to post a review before the last drop of blood flows out from my slashed wrists.
The things I do for you people.
The second reason is that, since I now think it will be good, I'll be even more pissed if it turns out to be bad. Before, my attitude would have been, "Well, there's two hours of my life I'll never get back." Now, only the physical pain from an actual kick to the gonads will be able to alleviate the existential pain I'll experience from the metaphorical kick to the gonads I will receive if Quantum Of Solace turns out to suck.
It's getting decent reviews but but some critics are underwhelmed. Internet comments from people who have already seen it are no help. For every "OMFG THIS IS MOST AWESOMEST MOVEE EVER" you get a "this is the gayest, most retarded thing i have ever seen" and you can't even read those without plowing through all the guys who feel they have to share "Man, Olga Kurylenko is awesome, I want to cum on her tits" with the world.
Maybe I'll just skip it and never risk having my expectations dashed. It's like how I've never read Isaac Asimov's Forward The Foundation even though it's been sitting on my bookshelf for 15 years. I would just hate if what was not only Asimov's last Foundation story but also his last novel ever turned out to be a total steaming pile of crap. But no, I'll go see it and, if it does turn out to be bad, I'll try to post a review before the last drop of blood flows out from my slashed wrists.
The things I do for you people.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Trying To See If I Am, In Fact, God
I am ordering all my readers to go see the new Bond film Quantum Of Solace this weekend.
Remember I said this. If it's a huge hit, I get all the credit. I will also be telling people it was my idea to call it Quantum Of Solace in the first place. As long as nobody calls me on that, I'll look like a pretty cool guy.
Remember I said this. If it's a huge hit, I get all the credit. I will also be telling people it was my idea to call it Quantum Of Solace in the first place. As long as nobody calls me on that, I'll look like a pretty cool guy.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I'm Rich, Bitch
I think it was 2002 when 10 women in France stopped riding the bus and started carpooling with each other instead. This resulted in a French bus company suing them for illegal competition. I'm guessing that when Turkish Mayor Huseyin Kalkan heard what some consider to be the stupidest lawsuit ever brought on the planet, he said, "I can top that."
Huseyin Kalkan is the mayor of a city in Turkey called Batman. Yes, Batman is the name of the town. Mayor Kalkan seems to be pretty proud of his little town and whatever the hell it is they do there. So proud, in fact, the he feels no one and nothing else on the planet should be called Batman. This has caused Mayor Kalkan to announce his intent to sue Warner Brothers and director Christopher Nolan for a share of the profits from The Dark Knight. I share his frustration on this subject. I remember how annoyed I was last summer when I entered the theater expecting to see a movie about some Turkish goatherds and instead had to endure two hours of watching a psychopathic clown and a dude in a rubber suit beat up on each other. Having said that, I'm not sure whether Kalkan is stupid, ignorant or some combination of both. This could be a foolish, pointless quest to gain millions of lira or if it's just some little stunt he's pulling and would be willing to settle for a loaf of simmit bread and a case of raki. All I know is that I'm behind Mayor Kalkan 150%.
Why, you ask? Simple. If he winds up with big bucks out of this, it opens the door for me. I can sue for that John Travolta angel flick Michael and the adaptation of Tom Clancy's book Clear and Present Danger. I'll have so much money that I can stop going to the cheap whores and start using those Elliot Spitzer girls and if I get an STD, I'll just hire someone to get sick for me. Oh yeah, that's possible.
So, if anyone out there knows Hueyin Kalkan, please tell him that Michael Clear says, "Le apoyo, hermano," and yes, I know that's Spanish but I don't know how to say, "I support you, brother," in Turkish. Some people in Turkey must speak Spanish and he can ask one of them what it means. Just do it.
Huseyin Kalkan is the mayor of a city in Turkey called Batman. Yes, Batman is the name of the town. Mayor Kalkan seems to be pretty proud of his little town and whatever the hell it is they do there. So proud, in fact, the he feels no one and nothing else on the planet should be called Batman. This has caused Mayor Kalkan to announce his intent to sue Warner Brothers and director Christopher Nolan for a share of the profits from The Dark Knight. I share his frustration on this subject. I remember how annoyed I was last summer when I entered the theater expecting to see a movie about some Turkish goatherds and instead had to endure two hours of watching a psychopathic clown and a dude in a rubber suit beat up on each other. Having said that, I'm not sure whether Kalkan is stupid, ignorant or some combination of both. This could be a foolish, pointless quest to gain millions of lira or if it's just some little stunt he's pulling and would be willing to settle for a loaf of simmit bread and a case of raki. All I know is that I'm behind Mayor Kalkan 150%.
Why, you ask? Simple. If he winds up with big bucks out of this, it opens the door for me. I can sue for that John Travolta angel flick Michael and the adaptation of Tom Clancy's book Clear and Present Danger. I'll have so much money that I can stop going to the cheap whores and start using those Elliot Spitzer girls and if I get an STD, I'll just hire someone to get sick for me. Oh yeah, that's possible.
So, if anyone out there knows Hueyin Kalkan, please tell him that Michael Clear says, "Le apoyo, hermano," and yes, I know that's Spanish but I don't know how to say, "I support you, brother," in Turkish. Some people in Turkey must speak Spanish and he can ask one of them what it means. Just do it.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Right Wing Movie Reviews -- Role Models
Regular readers know that from time to time I am contacted by a conservative from the right wing website TwilightOfTheDemocrats.com who blogs under the name Gotterdamerung. He hasn't been commenting on movies lately since he was blogging furiously on behalf of John McCain and Sarah Palin. A couple of his posts even gained a bit of fame, especially one where he theorizes that the father of Barack Obama's daughters was actually William Ayers. Anyway, he wanted to respond to yesterday's review of Role Models but I do have to warn you that his review, to put it politely, goes off the rails.
Hi all, Gotterdamerung here. Role Models will go down in history as the movie that sparked the beginning of the end of the failed Obama Presidency. It's about two friends named Danny and Wheeler. Life isn't working out for Danny and he doesn't really know why. He does everything he's supposed to do and yet things don't work out the way they're supposed to. In this way, Danny is a lot like the Republican Party. You think there's no hope for Danny or for the Republicans but it turns out that the key to turning things around is right in front of both of them. For Danny, it's his friend Wheeler. For the Republicans, it's Sarah Palin. Wheeler is a lot like Sarah Palin. Neither one seems to be too bright when you first meet them but those appearances are deceiving. They're not stupid. Their heads are simply uncluttered by useless information. They know what they need to know. Sarah Palin may not know what a continent is but she knows which parts of the Alaskan Pipeline need to be fixed, she knows which library books are most offensive and need to be banned and she know how much a pepperoni pizza at the Juneau Pizza Hut costs. Dwelling on any other subject would be a waste of her time. Wheeler is the same way. He may not know about balancing his checkbook or how to clean himself properly but he does know how to get hot girls to sleep with him and how to do his job, that being wearing a minotaur costume. He and Sarah aren't a couple of elitist prigs who have to go around intellectualizing everything and...
Oh screw this. Why bother? I'M SORRY SARAH. I'M SO SO SORRY. I tried my best, I really did. I did everything I could think of but nothing worked. I called Obama a Muslim, an atheist, too smart, too dumb, and a terrorist and he still managed to get 365 electoral votes. I said that he was having an affair with Rashid Khalidi and that William Ayers had been the actual father of his children. I claimed to have a tape of Michelle Obama saying that, as reparations for slavery, black people should be allowed to eat the livers of white babies. I called Obama a Nazi, a Socialist, a Mormon, a Scientologist, and a Druid. I said he would pass a law that nullified all marriages and then force us all to gay marry illegal immigrants. I said that he wasn't born in this country and had, in fact, been born on a secret space station financed by the oil money of Muslim Jihadists which meant he wasn't even a citizen of this planet. I tried really pushing down on the mouse when I clicked on the "Publish Post" button. Yet, none of it worked. It was almost as if my attacks became less effective when they got crazier but that can't be it. Hell, I was one of the people in 2004 who claimed that John Kerry never served in Vietnam and I wasn't even alive during the Vietnam War yet no one ever called me on it. No, what happened is obvious. ACORN, under the direction of their board members Keith Olbermann, George Soros, William Ayers and the liberal media, managed to steal the election and they did it so well that the only person who can see that is me.
We'll try again, Sarah, and not in 2012. I'm working now to try and get a Constitutional Amendment passed that would force Obama to have to run again in 2010. Stay strong Sarah and know that Role Models is a big hit because the country secretly supports you.
Hi all, Gotterdamerung here. Role Models will go down in history as the movie that sparked the beginning of the end of the failed Obama Presidency. It's about two friends named Danny and Wheeler. Life isn't working out for Danny and he doesn't really know why. He does everything he's supposed to do and yet things don't work out the way they're supposed to. In this way, Danny is a lot like the Republican Party. You think there's no hope for Danny or for the Republicans but it turns out that the key to turning things around is right in front of both of them. For Danny, it's his friend Wheeler. For the Republicans, it's Sarah Palin. Wheeler is a lot like Sarah Palin. Neither one seems to be too bright when you first meet them but those appearances are deceiving. They're not stupid. Their heads are simply uncluttered by useless information. They know what they need to know. Sarah Palin may not know what a continent is but she knows which parts of the Alaskan Pipeline need to be fixed, she knows which library books are most offensive and need to be banned and she know how much a pepperoni pizza at the Juneau Pizza Hut costs. Dwelling on any other subject would be a waste of her time. Wheeler is the same way. He may not know about balancing his checkbook or how to clean himself properly but he does know how to get hot girls to sleep with him and how to do his job, that being wearing a minotaur costume. He and Sarah aren't a couple of elitist prigs who have to go around intellectualizing everything and...
Oh screw this. Why bother? I'M SORRY SARAH. I'M SO SO SORRY. I tried my best, I really did. I did everything I could think of but nothing worked. I called Obama a Muslim, an atheist, too smart, too dumb, and a terrorist and he still managed to get 365 electoral votes. I said that he was having an affair with Rashid Khalidi and that William Ayers had been the actual father of his children. I claimed to have a tape of Michelle Obama saying that, as reparations for slavery, black people should be allowed to eat the livers of white babies. I called Obama a Nazi, a Socialist, a Mormon, a Scientologist, and a Druid. I said he would pass a law that nullified all marriages and then force us all to gay marry illegal immigrants. I said that he wasn't born in this country and had, in fact, been born on a secret space station financed by the oil money of Muslim Jihadists which meant he wasn't even a citizen of this planet. I tried really pushing down on the mouse when I clicked on the "Publish Post" button. Yet, none of it worked. It was almost as if my attacks became less effective when they got crazier but that can't be it. Hell, I was one of the people in 2004 who claimed that John Kerry never served in Vietnam and I wasn't even alive during the Vietnam War yet no one ever called me on it. No, what happened is obvious. ACORN, under the direction of their board members Keith Olbermann, George Soros, William Ayers and the liberal media, managed to steal the election and they did it so well that the only person who can see that is me.
We'll try again, Sarah, and not in 2012. I'm working now to try and get a Constitutional Amendment passed that would force Obama to have to run again in 2010. Stay strong Sarah and know that Role Models is a big hit because the country secretly supports you.
Monday, November 10, 2008
America's Next Top Models
I will open by saying that Role Models is one of the most pleasant surprises I've ever had at the movies. The trailer didn't evoke a single laugh from me and it was only because of some positive reviews that I went to see it at all. It's not a great movie by any measure but it is pretty good and I laughed at most of the jokes which is really all you can ask of a comedy.
Another big surprise was that Judd Apatow had nothing to do with it. It has all the aspects of an Apatow film including many of the regular actors he uses up to and including Paul Rudd who plays one of the two major roles. It also has an Apatow plot (self absorbed and, to varying degrees, hedonistic people eventually come to do the right thing) and yet Apatow's name fails to show up. Perhaps we as a society have evolved into beings that no longer need Judd Apatow in order to make a Judd Apatow movie and now all movies will be like The 40 Year Old Virgin and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Judd Apatow's ascension as our God-Emperor may or may not be a good thing but it happened so subtly that I hardly noticed.
As for the plot, it involves idiots doing idiotic things in a funny way. Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott play Danny and Wheeler, partners at a company that sells energy drinks. Their schtick is to go to schools to deliver an anti-drug lecture and, in the process, offer their drink as a drug alternative. Wheeler is an empty-headed doofus who's perfectly content with his life as a guy who dresses up as a minotaur (the drink's mascot) by day and having an endless string of one night stands with hot chicks by night and DAMN why can't I live like that? Danny, on the other hand, seems to have based his life on Woody Allen movies. He's a whiny jerk who takes his dissatisfaction with life out on society. His only pleasure seems to come from lording his perceived intellectual superiority over everyone he meets. When I say "perceived" it's not really too far off. One of the main tenets of the plot is that, while Danny and Wheeler are dumb, everyone else in the film is dumber. The one exception to this is Danny girlfriend Beth (Elizabeth Banks). Because she's the only truly smart person in the film, she comes to the conclusion that she should dump Danny and this is what drives Danny into a tailspin that eventually leads him to drive his company's vehicle, a big SUV made up to look like a minotaur, into the statue at the school where he's was supposed to be giving his anti-drug/buy my stuff speech. This is what gets him into trouble with the law and sets up the movie's main plot point.
To avoid going to jail, Danny and wheeler must join a Big Brother type organization where they act as mentors to lonely kids. Danny gets Augie played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse. He's best known as McLovin but here, in a radical departure from playing a spaz who can't get laid role, stars as a spaz who can't get laid who is also deeply involved in fantasy role playing games. And we ain't talking World of Warcraft, Sunshine. No no, he actually meets in a real place with real people dressed in real costumes who engage in real fake combat for control of the fake realm of Xanthia. Typically, Danny has to act like an A-hole who's too cool for any of this, an attitude which draws the ire of the game's King Argotron because Danny refuses to bow before him. The King eventually throws Augie out of the game after Danny gets into a fight with him.
Wheeler, on the other hand, winds up with Ronnie, a foul mouthed kid who loves games, boobs and pissing off his mentors, pretty much in that order. Wheeler does manage to win Ronnie over due to the fact that he has lots of games and knows a lot about boobs. It's pretty much a perfect match until Wheeler reverts to type and manages to break Ronnie's trust after leaving Ronnie alone to go hook up with some hot chick he just met.
This causes the organization's leader, a former drug addict (the always funny Jane Lynch) who loves to talk about the fact that she's a former drug addict whether the situation calls for it or not, to toss them out of the group and put their community service sentence into jeopardy. If you've ever seen a movie before, you know that Danny and Wheeler manage to fix the situation while also gaining back the respect and affection of their friends and loved ones but I won't tell you how because it's really funny.
I had such a nice time actually enjoying this movie in the same way I once went into this dive of a local diner and ended up having what to this day is the best chicken parmesan I ever had. I had my "Role Models Sucks" review half written before I even set foot in the theater and was mildly annoyed that I had to scrap that and would never be able to use the line, "I'd rather be ass raped by a rabid elephant than have to see Role Models again." Still, seeing a genuinely funny comedy more than made up for it.
Another big surprise was that Judd Apatow had nothing to do with it. It has all the aspects of an Apatow film including many of the regular actors he uses up to and including Paul Rudd who plays one of the two major roles. It also has an Apatow plot (self absorbed and, to varying degrees, hedonistic people eventually come to do the right thing) and yet Apatow's name fails to show up. Perhaps we as a society have evolved into beings that no longer need Judd Apatow in order to make a Judd Apatow movie and now all movies will be like The 40 Year Old Virgin and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Judd Apatow's ascension as our God-Emperor may or may not be a good thing but it happened so subtly that I hardly noticed.
As for the plot, it involves idiots doing idiotic things in a funny way. Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott play Danny and Wheeler, partners at a company that sells energy drinks. Their schtick is to go to schools to deliver an anti-drug lecture and, in the process, offer their drink as a drug alternative. Wheeler is an empty-headed doofus who's perfectly content with his life as a guy who dresses up as a minotaur (the drink's mascot) by day and having an endless string of one night stands with hot chicks by night and DAMN why can't I live like that? Danny, on the other hand, seems to have based his life on Woody Allen movies. He's a whiny jerk who takes his dissatisfaction with life out on society. His only pleasure seems to come from lording his perceived intellectual superiority over everyone he meets. When I say "perceived" it's not really too far off. One of the main tenets of the plot is that, while Danny and Wheeler are dumb, everyone else in the film is dumber. The one exception to this is Danny girlfriend Beth (Elizabeth Banks). Because she's the only truly smart person in the film, she comes to the conclusion that she should dump Danny and this is what drives Danny into a tailspin that eventually leads him to drive his company's vehicle, a big SUV made up to look like a minotaur, into the statue at the school where he's was supposed to be giving his anti-drug/buy my stuff speech. This is what gets him into trouble with the law and sets up the movie's main plot point.
To avoid going to jail, Danny and wheeler must join a Big Brother type organization where they act as mentors to lonely kids. Danny gets Augie played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse. He's best known as McLovin but here, in a radical departure from playing a spaz who can't get laid role, stars as a spaz who can't get laid who is also deeply involved in fantasy role playing games. And we ain't talking World of Warcraft, Sunshine. No no, he actually meets in a real place with real people dressed in real costumes who engage in real fake combat for control of the fake realm of Xanthia. Typically, Danny has to act like an A-hole who's too cool for any of this, an attitude which draws the ire of the game's King Argotron because Danny refuses to bow before him. The King eventually throws Augie out of the game after Danny gets into a fight with him.
Wheeler, on the other hand, winds up with Ronnie, a foul mouthed kid who loves games, boobs and pissing off his mentors, pretty much in that order. Wheeler does manage to win Ronnie over due to the fact that he has lots of games and knows a lot about boobs. It's pretty much a perfect match until Wheeler reverts to type and manages to break Ronnie's trust after leaving Ronnie alone to go hook up with some hot chick he just met.
This causes the organization's leader, a former drug addict (the always funny Jane Lynch) who loves to talk about the fact that she's a former drug addict whether the situation calls for it or not, to toss them out of the group and put their community service sentence into jeopardy. If you've ever seen a movie before, you know that Danny and Wheeler manage to fix the situation while also gaining back the respect and affection of their friends and loved ones but I won't tell you how because it's really funny.
I had such a nice time actually enjoying this movie in the same way I once went into this dive of a local diner and ended up having what to this day is the best chicken parmesan I ever had. I had my "Role Models Sucks" review half written before I even set foot in the theater and was mildly annoyed that I had to scrap that and would never be able to use the line, "I'd rather be ass raped by a rabid elephant than have to see Role Models again." Still, seeing a genuinely funny comedy more than made up for it.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Soul Survivors
I see that the new Bernie Mac/Samuel L. Jackson movie Soul Men debuted at #6 for the week. That's too bad since I've always liked Sam Jackson and you at least have to give a sympathy nod to the late Bernie Mac*. I would like to give some advice to the movie's makers up to and including MGM. I realize that I'm not some fancy schmancy college edicated high falootin's movie executive type like you all are, but here in the Real America we do know one thing: if you're making a movie whose characters are supposed to be legendary singers, it would help if you would hire actors WHO CAN ACTUALLY SING. Why do you suppose you've never heard the words "Classic album from Samuel L. Jackson" or "And now here's that famous top ten hit from Bernie Mac"? One thing that really focuses the mind on their lack of singing talent is when you hear them performing with professional singer John Legend. Legend sounds great. You can believe that Legend is a guy who's been famous for decades. When Mac and Jackson sing, they sound like the guys who down three scotches at a wedding reception and think it's a good idea to get up on stage with the band and sing songs they liked in college.
Oh well, off to see Role Models. That's the movie where Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott play energy drink salesmen. Something tells me that they will be bad at their jobs, thus making that the running theme for movies this weekend.
*He was actually one of the voice actors in this week's #1 Madagascar 2 so perhaps the nation said, "Screw it, we did our part," when presented with the prospect of properly memorializing Bernie Mac by seeing one of his last movies.
Oh well, off to see Role Models. That's the movie where Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott play energy drink salesmen. Something tells me that they will be bad at their jobs, thus making that the running theme for movies this weekend.
*He was actually one of the voice actors in this week's #1 Madagascar 2 so perhaps the nation said, "Screw it, we did our part," when presented with the prospect of properly memorializing Bernie Mac by seeing one of his last movies.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I Got Nuthin
Taking the day off. Go read Harry Knowles or something. I'm sure he's posted his latest Scarlett Johannson fantasy today. Should be fun reading.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Today's Random Thoughts
I've said before that I place High School Musical 3 in the "Mostly Harmless" category and I shall be forever grateful to it for knocking Beverly Hills Chihuahua out of the #1 spot and, more importantly, for keeping Saw V from ever reaching that spot but...how do I put this...FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET JUMPIN' JEHOVAH, WILL YOU PEOPLE PLEASE GO SEE SOMETHING ELSE THIS WEEKEND?! Yeah, I know, we would all love to be in a school where everyone is awesome looking, the biggest problem you have is that a gorgeous girl is trying to steal you away from your gorgeous girlfriend and dancing in the halls not only fails to cause people to yell, "HOMO," but is actually considered to be the norm but this is just getting embarrassing. Role Models is getting some decent reviews so go see that.
Speaking of Role Models, I assumed that this was going to suck in the way that only really unfunny comedies can suck but it actually may be good. Who would have thought that teaming Sean William Scott (whose characters are always huge jerks) with Paul Rudd (whose characters are always huge man-ginas) would actually work out?
It looks like the teen vampire movie Twilight is going to be a huge hit. In light of that, I'd like to do what conservative commentators Joe Scarborough and Pat Buchanan did on MSNBC's election night coverage, that being to disavow the bad things I've said about a perceived winner and act like I've actually been on board with that winner the whole time. GO TWILIGHT! WOO! TWILIGHT'S NUMBER ONE!
Variety says that Deliverance/Excalibur director John Boorman plans to remake The Wizard Of Oz. Unlike the people who think that the 1939 movie is some sacred object akin to the Ark of the Covenant and will both figuratively and, I'm sure in a few cases, literally crap their pants at this idea, I'm very cool with it. If you've ever read the book, you know that it's a very different from the movie. The tone is darker and grittier and, if Boorman manages to successfully translate that in his remake, we'll get to see a pretty good movie as well as the inevitable hysterical parents who will implore us to please please think of the children whose precious bodily fluids will be contaminated by an accurate film version.
And...I'M OUT! See ya.
Speaking of Role Models, I assumed that this was going to suck in the way that only really unfunny comedies can suck but it actually may be good. Who would have thought that teaming Sean William Scott (whose characters are always huge jerks) with Paul Rudd (whose characters are always huge man-ginas) would actually work out?
It looks like the teen vampire movie Twilight is going to be a huge hit. In light of that, I'd like to do what conservative commentators Joe Scarborough and Pat Buchanan did on MSNBC's election night coverage, that being to disavow the bad things I've said about a perceived winner and act like I've actually been on board with that winner the whole time. GO TWILIGHT! WOO! TWILIGHT'S NUMBER ONE!
Variety says that Deliverance/Excalibur director John Boorman plans to remake The Wizard Of Oz. Unlike the people who think that the 1939 movie is some sacred object akin to the Ark of the Covenant and will both figuratively and, I'm sure in a few cases, literally crap their pants at this idea, I'm very cool with it. If you've ever read the book, you know that it's a very different from the movie. The tone is darker and grittier and, if Boorman manages to successfully translate that in his remake, we'll get to see a pretty good movie as well as the inevitable hysterical parents who will implore us to please please think of the children whose precious bodily fluids will be contaminated by an accurate film version.
And...I'M OUT! See ya.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Things I've Learned From Watching Movies Part 49
The best people to care for wayward kids are depressed losers and self absorbed dimwits with dead end jobs who are also convicted criminals.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Emergency Dispatch from the Department of "Oh Yeah, That's Totally An Awesome Idea"
Actor Joaquin Phoenix insists that he fully intends to quit acting and take up a music career. Because, you know, that has worked out so well for other actors like Bruce Willis, Juliette Lewis, and Johnny Depp. I'm sure when I mentioned those names you all were suddenly flooded with sweet, wistful memories of the first time you heard all the hit songs that came from those actors.
In related news, I'd like to announce that I am quitting my job in order to play video games and jack off to Maxim models. I'm willing to bet that I will be far more successful in my chosen path than Joaquin Phoenix will be in his.
In related news, I'd like to announce that I am quitting my job in order to play video games and jack off to Maxim models. I'm willing to bet that I will be far more successful in my chosen path than Joaquin Phoenix will be in his.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
BOYCOTT DREAMWORKS
Coming out this week is Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa. My question is: weren't they already in Africa when Madagascar 1 ended? I suspect Dreamworks thinks we're stupid and won't notice. Based on that assumption, I call upon my minuscule readership to BOYCOTT DREAMWORKS until those greedy bastards decide it's time to pay us some respect.
Ok, that's done. Truth be told, if you broke me down to the molecular level, you wouldn't find so much as an atom in me that gives a crap about the plot of Madagascar 2. The true purpose of this post is to see how many hits I get from people at Dreamworks. You may laugh but back in June when I wrote my "Boycott WALL·E" posts I got several hits from both Disney and Pixar employees who I'm guessing were thinking that this was the start of some massive online movement to crush their multi million dollar investment.
Dreamworks employees, now that I have your attention, let me pitch to you my idea for your next big animated blockbuster. It's about a world populated entirely by living accordions. I'm assuming they came to life after all human life was exterminated by some sort of nuclear or biological holocaust and yeah, I know, too gruesome for the kids but we can work that out in story conferencing. Anyhoo, all the intelligent accordions are forced by society to play Lady Of Spain non stop. There's this one accordion who's kind of a teenage outcast type who's called...um...Bob. Crap, I don't know but again, this is what story conferences are for, am I right?
One day, Bob hears the rain beating rhythmically against his roof and sets the beat to music, inventing rock and roll. All the other teenage accordions are instantly entranced by Bob's newfound musical talents including this super hot girl accordion that Bob has a crush on. Some douchebag accordion jock who hates Bob alerts all the older accordions about this musical heresy. They forbid this "rolling and rocking" that all the kids were doing and banish Bob but Bob comes back during some big accordion festival, makes some syrupy speech about how, "We must squeeze the music out of ourselves or else why bother to live at all?" After that, they all start singing and dancing to the new Rolling Rock music, everyone hates the douchebag jock and Bob fucks the girl and yeah, I know but again, story conferencing.
I'm sure you'll want to option this immediately, Dreamworks, so feel free to contact me through the email address to the right. Hopefully, I won't delete you along with the spam announcements I get from your company now.
Ok, that's done. Truth be told, if you broke me down to the molecular level, you wouldn't find so much as an atom in me that gives a crap about the plot of Madagascar 2. The true purpose of this post is to see how many hits I get from people at Dreamworks. You may laugh but back in June when I wrote my "Boycott WALL·E" posts I got several hits from both Disney and Pixar employees who I'm guessing were thinking that this was the start of some massive online movement to crush their multi million dollar investment.
Dreamworks employees, now that I have your attention, let me pitch to you my idea for your next big animated blockbuster. It's about a world populated entirely by living accordions. I'm assuming they came to life after all human life was exterminated by some sort of nuclear or biological holocaust and yeah, I know, too gruesome for the kids but we can work that out in story conferencing. Anyhoo, all the intelligent accordions are forced by society to play Lady Of Spain non stop. There's this one accordion who's kind of a teenage outcast type who's called...um...Bob. Crap, I don't know but again, this is what story conferences are for, am I right?
One day, Bob hears the rain beating rhythmically against his roof and sets the beat to music, inventing rock and roll. All the other teenage accordions are instantly entranced by Bob's newfound musical talents including this super hot girl accordion that Bob has a crush on. Some douchebag accordion jock who hates Bob alerts all the older accordions about this musical heresy. They forbid this "rolling and rocking" that all the kids were doing and banish Bob but Bob comes back during some big accordion festival, makes some syrupy speech about how, "We must squeeze the music out of ourselves or else why bother to live at all?" After that, they all start singing and dancing to the new Rolling Rock music, everyone hates the douchebag jock and Bob fucks the girl and yeah, I know but again, story conferencing.
I'm sure you'll want to option this immediately, Dreamworks, so feel free to contact me through the email address to the right. Hopefully, I won't delete you along with the spam announcements I get from your company now.
Monday, November 3, 2008
The Story Of O
With the election looming ever more closely, I was thinking today about how today's events will be covered in movies of the future. Considering we already have the first movie about the Bush presidency out, I imagine it won't take too long although I the the future would have a better perspective but it's inevitable that the story of the first black man to become the Presidential nominee of a major party will be the subject of numerous cinematic treatments over, well, the next couple of centuries.
I wonder if John McCain realizes how he will be perceived in these future drafts of history. He'll be played by someone like Anthony Hopkins or whoever the future equivalent of Anthony Hopkins will be. Zac Efron could play McCain in about 50 years in the movie White House Musical where he would be declared, "the hunkiest McCain ever."
I look forward to the scene where McCain decided to piss his legacy down his leg and throw in his lot with the smear merchants and race baiters that produced the ad where Barack Obama is compared to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton which served the duel purpose of saying, "Obama is the Gay Prince of All Shallow Sissies," and of being a racist dog whistle to implant in the minds of voters the image of Obama saying, "Where da white wimmin at?" We'll see the time when Sarah Palin was chosen to be his V.P. nominee, the brief period of good times that followed when Sarah Palin served as a blank screen upon which voters could project their own notions and fantasies and then the long period of not-so-great times caused by the words that came out of her mouth and the liberal bias of reality.
We'll see the day the campaign truly ended when the economy went off the rails and Obama responded by staying calm and weighing possible strategies while McCain responded by declaring that the fundamentals of the economy were strong followed by his vow to "suspend" his campaign and return to Washington where he would knock some heads together but only ended up making things worse. Perhaps the movie will add a moment of dramatic license where McCain vows to follow the economy to the gates of Hell, rip its heart out of its chest and show it to the economy before it dies.
After that we get the tense moments where it seems Obama's campaign may be undone by the McCain campaign's final Obama is a terrorist Muslim atheist who will either send the white people to death camps or pack them all on boats to Africa while shouting, "SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT, WHITE DEVILS!" push but, in the end, we'll see the smiling faces of Obama and his supporters on election night while McCain sits in the dark wondering if he'll continue in the Senate or go the Bob Dole route and do Viagra commercials. Either way, he'll be portrayed as a sad, pathetic man who threw away his legacy and public image as a man of honor and integrity and was left with nothing to show for it except for either a place in the Senate's minority party or a handful of boner pills and the phone calls from Sarah Palin asking for his support when she runs in 2012.
This is as it should be. Obama made his choices and McCain made his and now history will judge them accordingly.
And yes, I am using the psychic powers that never seem to work when I pick out lottery numbers to somehow predict an Obama victory tomorrow. If Obama wins, make sure you credit this site as the place you first heard about it.
I wonder if John McCain realizes how he will be perceived in these future drafts of history. He'll be played by someone like Anthony Hopkins or whoever the future equivalent of Anthony Hopkins will be. Zac Efron could play McCain in about 50 years in the movie White House Musical where he would be declared, "the hunkiest McCain ever."
I look forward to the scene where McCain decided to piss his legacy down his leg and throw in his lot with the smear merchants and race baiters that produced the ad where Barack Obama is compared to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton which served the duel purpose of saying, "Obama is the Gay Prince of All Shallow Sissies," and of being a racist dog whistle to implant in the minds of voters the image of Obama saying, "Where da white wimmin at?" We'll see the time when Sarah Palin was chosen to be his V.P. nominee, the brief period of good times that followed when Sarah Palin served as a blank screen upon which voters could project their own notions and fantasies and then the long period of not-so-great times caused by the words that came out of her mouth and the liberal bias of reality.
We'll see the day the campaign truly ended when the economy went off the rails and Obama responded by staying calm and weighing possible strategies while McCain responded by declaring that the fundamentals of the economy were strong followed by his vow to "suspend" his campaign and return to Washington where he would knock some heads together but only ended up making things worse. Perhaps the movie will add a moment of dramatic license where McCain vows to follow the economy to the gates of Hell, rip its heart out of its chest and show it to the economy before it dies.
After that we get the tense moments where it seems Obama's campaign may be undone by the McCain campaign's final Obama is a terrorist Muslim atheist who will either send the white people to death camps or pack them all on boats to Africa while shouting, "SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT, WHITE DEVILS!" push but, in the end, we'll see the smiling faces of Obama and his supporters on election night while McCain sits in the dark wondering if he'll continue in the Senate or go the Bob Dole route and do Viagra commercials. Either way, he'll be portrayed as a sad, pathetic man who threw away his legacy and public image as a man of honor and integrity and was left with nothing to show for it except for either a place in the Senate's minority party or a handful of boner pills and the phone calls from Sarah Palin asking for his support when she runs in 2012.
This is as it should be. Obama made his choices and McCain made his and now history will judge them accordingly.
And yes, I am using the psychic powers that never seem to work when I pick out lottery numbers to somehow predict an Obama victory tomorrow. If Obama wins, make sure you credit this site as the place you first heard about it.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Sorry Folks
I'm spending time with family this weekend so it's unlikely I'll get anything substantive up until Monday. Have a nice weekend.
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