Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Things To Come

As I look forward to the summer movie season, I was wondering which of these exciting trailers would precede exciting movies and which would drive me to serial murder. I thought I would offer my speculations even though I am often wrong. However, I figure that the fact I am often wrong means maybe the odds that I will be 100% correct now should swing in my favor.

Angels and Demons -- I think this will belong in the Good category. I liked DaVinci Code. It actually took that unwieldy, unreadable book* and turned it into a watchable, mildly entertaining movie. Sure, it peed history down its leg but even some of your better historical films do that. I'm looking forward to being entertained this weekend. If I'm not, I will call director Ron Howard "Opie" and see if he survives the humiliation.

Terminator: Salvation -- Don't see this being much good. Some of the action looks cool but there just won't be much to it when things aren't blowing up. On the other hand, it was directed by McG who once made this, something that makes me want to take back what I said about the action. The only thing I'd like to see would be a scene where Christian Bale starts yelling at a guy in a way that intentionally makes light of his famous "Anger" tape.

Dance Flick -- A couple of these shitty parody movies come out every year and there's an excellent reason why I referred to them as "shitty" parody movies. This one is made by the Wayans Brothers who also made Scary Movie, a parody movie that wasn't quite as shitty as other films of its class. In fact, it could be described as top quality manure from which delicious crops grow. On the other hand, the three sequels got progressively worse (in fairness, the last two were made by David Zucker who forgot how to make these movies 20 years ago). Therefore, I send this respectfully to the Suck bin.

Night At The Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
-- I dunno. The first one wasn't super horrible so it might be fun. I like pretty much anything with Amy Adams in it too. I'll declare this Mostly Harmless.

Drag Me To Hell -- At first this looked like yet another cheap ass horror film but then I saw it was actually directed by Sam Raimi. I suppose I can hope against hope that the ads are wrong and it's actually about Bruce Campbell fighting demons and assorted monsters in some remote wooded area but it's probably not. I'll file this under Cautiously Optimistic unless it IS about a guy named Ash in which case I'll call it Mega-Awesome.

Ok, those are my predictions for May. If I'm right, you all owe me a thousand dollars. If I'm wrong, you only owe me a hundred.

*I stopped reading after page 30. Did it stop sucking after that? Dan Brown still got my royalties too.

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