Michael Clear, Interactive Strategist

I wrote yesterday about a guy who calls himself an Interactive Strategist. Thing is, I can't find anyone who knows what the hell an Interactive Strategist is and I asked several people as well as all my Twitter and Facebook friends. That's hundreds of people and no one either A) knew or B) cared enough to tell me. I'm awesome so it must be A. I could just Google it but that seems like giving up to me. I Google everything, up to and including how to spell Google. (I thought it was Gewgle until just now when I Googled it.) No, I want to find this out without using the internet and, since this doesn't seem possible, I have decided to take the opportunity to define what it is myself. I started calling myself an Interactive Strategist, made note of everything I did for an entire day and simply added everything to my new broad definition of the term. I will now review my notes and see what to leave in and what to leave out. I guess you could say this is my interactive strategy.

1. Made egg/bacon/bagel sandwich for breakfast. Yum. Was any part of that action something that could be defined as interacting or strategizing? Maybe but I if I leave that in people will think an Interactive Strategist is a breakfast chef so it's out along with the tuna sandwich I had for lunch and the dinner that, while not yet prepared as of this writing, will probably consist of baked chicken, garden salad and, depending on my mood, a dinner roll.
2. I started introducing myself to people as an Interactive Strategist to see if they would treat me differently. This turned out to be a huge error as most people asked me what that was. I eventually came up with some B.S. about collecting data and applying it in such a way that paradigms are properly evaluated and altered. This caused people to smile and say, "Oh, okay," before walking away. As that bit of corporate gibberish accomplished my goal, it is now in as part of the definition.
3. I received a speeding ticket and tried to get out of it by saying I was on my way to someone who needed something interactively strategized right away. Before I could get to the stuff about paradigms and data, the cop insinuated that he'd taze me if I didn't move along. This tells me that whatever an Interactive Strategist is, it does not intimidate law enforcement. That's important to know so it's in.
4. I hesitated to tell co-workers that I was now an Interactive Strategist as I was afraid they might to try to find new duties to add to my job. Still, I figured I was all-in on this so I told them my new title as well as the stuff about data and paradigms. Most people wanted to know if this meant I now had to do some of their paperwork but my boss said he was impressed with the way I was proactively embracing a Manichean construct of the 21st century business model. I have no more idea of what that means but that was par for the course so I'm leaving it in because it scored points with my boss. I'm just hoping I didn't say anything that made him think I would work over the weekend.
5. I tried to pick up a woman by telling her I was an Interactive Strategist. She asked if that paid well and I said, "Sure, I guess," so she gave me her phone number. I'm conditionally adding "pays well" to the definition but will take it out if this doesn't eventually lead to at least a handjob.

So, according to my careful scientific analysis, an Interactive Strategist is some middle management corporate douche who doesn't particularly impress anyone but does get laid a lot if his salary is high enough. That's a load off my mind.

Look At My Briefs -- 4/29/10

I've decided to give myself a treat and what better treat could I possibly give myself than to write another edition of brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

I see Dreamgirls director Bill Condon is the latest Hollywood talent to hear the siren call of suck and smash his career against the rock that is the Twilight saga. Good news: Breaking Dawn is the last of the Twilight books. After this, there can be no more...no, they'll find a way. They always find a way.

So, what are we getting in the way of upcoming sequels? How To Train Your Dragon, Clash of the Titans and...Journey To The Center Of The Earth? Wait, that stupid Brendan Fraser movie that nobody saw is getting a sequel? I assumed MTV Movies Blog was screwing with me but no, it's real. It turns out I just assumed nobody saw it (an assumption based on the fact that anyone you ask denies having seen it which makes me think the director's mom bought all the tickets) and it actually broke the $100 million mark. But wait, it turns out Brendan Fraser may not be in the sequel. It's a sign that you may have a bad project on your hands when the guy from Dudley Doright and Bedazzled doesn't want to be in it. I suppose they won't be able to afford Fraser anyway after this week's Furry Vengeance in which Fraser Riverdances with a raccoon grosses a billion dollars.

This trailer for the new Resident Evil movie claims that they're using James Cameron's process for shooting 3D movies. Also, judging by the trailer, they're using this new, groundbreaking technology to do the same stupid shit that makers of 3D movies have been doing for over half a century. "He's throwing a knife. AAHH, IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US! Phew, that's over. Wait, now he's tossing pizza dough. IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US!"

Everyone seems so shocked that the biggest grossing movie ever is doing great business on DVD.

Roger Ebert done anything to piss anyone off this week? Well, it's only Wednesday so give him time.

This article in Filmmaker Magazine about young people staying away from independent and arthouse films is sad and annoying but the most sad and annoying thing about it is this passage:

Question: "When was the last time you went to an arthouse?"
Answer: "Years ago. I watch everything online. I don't have time to go to the cinema."

While this reply from Alex Johnson, a 30-year-old interactive strategist, filmmaker and co-founder of WBP Labs, doesn't speak for an entire generation of new movie consumers, it certainly begs the question: What is the future of the indie movie-going audience?

I have no idea what the hell an Interactive Strategist is but, judging from the reply given by Interactive Strategist Alex Johnson, I'm assuming it involves sniffing large amounts of glue. Think about what he said for a moment. If he has time to watch everything online, why the hell doesn't he have time to go to the cinema? He's acting like a move that has a 2 hour runtime on his phone somehow takes seventeen hours to watch if he actually drags his ass down to the local theater. Perhaps he's somehow able to interactively strategize movies so they run faster on his damn iPhone while tweeting about it with his friend @CockMonkey69 or on his XBox in between rounds of Street Fighter. Here's an interactive strategy for you: if something was meant to be seen on a big screen, watch it on the big screen.

The Up-Chuck Plan

The Back-up Plan decided to waste no time to start annoying the crap out of me. The opening credits are couched into a stupid animated sequence in which animated Jennifer Lopez walks through animated New York City seeing babies everywhere. You can tell the woman is supposed to be Jennifer Lopez because animated woman is stick thin and Jennifer Lopez is famously curvy so...yeah.

We are then treated to a scene in which Jennifer Lopez' character, Zoe, is meeting with her fertility doctor played by Robert Klein. During this scene, we learn that Robert Klein should never again be allowed to utter the line, "I'm looking at your cervix." We also learn that everyone in Zoe's life is a complete idiot. Her best friend with four kids tries to talk her out of having kids and utters the next stupid line of dialogue, that being, "You want to see my vagina? I'll show you my vagina." We also see Zoe having the most uncomfortable conversation in history when she asks her best male friend/co-worker for his sperm, a request he treats with the sensitivity of a molerat. On her way out of the fertility doctor, she meets Stan (Alex O'Laughlin). She and Stan instantly hate each other after fighting over a cab in the rain yet they keep running into each other. This all happens in about eight munutes and is topped off by one of those generic movie songs that I think is sung by Jennifer Lopez herself. Oh, she has a dog on wheels. Seriously.

At this point, any more explanation of the plot is pointless if you've ever seen any other romantic comedy ever made. The whole thing could have been written by a computer and, judging by the quality of the jokes, it was. However, the review is a little short so I may as well write a little more.

Zoe owns a pet store and Stan sells goat cheese at farmers markets. Judging by their lifestyles, I'd say both of those professions pay $875,000 a year. She lives in a big New York apartment and he rents out a gorgeous garden terrace for their first date which goes horribly wrong in a way that involves fire but she likes him even more so I guess I'll set my dinner table on fire next time I take a woman out for the first time. Zoe neglects to tell Stan that she's pregnant and...okay, that's enough. Don't worry, I won't reveal the "surprise" ending.

I haven't seen a comedy this bad in a while. I can usually say I laughed a few times during the worst comedy but I can't say that anymore since this is now the definition of "the worst comedy" and I can't recall laughing. Not once. Not even a small chuckle. Wait, there was a scene where a little kid ate sand. I chuckled. Then I stopped and after that there was silence not only from my own seat but from the rest of the theater. I have to wonder if anyone thought to bring up that this wasn't funny while it was being made. Maybe every member of the cast and crew thought it must be just them and that everyone else thought they were making something wildly hilarious.

Anyway, there's the latest in a several years long string of romcom stinkers. I'm sure next one will be good. Next month we have Amanda Seyfried in Letter To Juliet, a movie with a trailer that didn't make me laugh which obviously means they're saving all the funny parts for people who go see it. Right?

OH WAIT, THE WATER BIRTH. I can't believe I almost forgot the lesbian water birth. Connoisseurs of bad movies will talk for years about the lesbian water birth scene. It was supposed to be funny. I can see how it was supposed to be funny. Film schools will present this as an example of how to take a situation rife with comic potential and stomp all the comic potential out of it.

All right, that's it. Too many words have been wasted and too many lives lost talking about The Back-up Plan.

A Distinct Lack Of Glee

I didn't care for Glee when it first premiered. I think the reason I didn't like it is because I was comparing it to a British show called Skins. With the exception of the last two episodes of season 4, Skins is, simply, one of the best things ever. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's one of the best written television shows in the history of the medium. It can be warm, harsh, funny and tragic, usually in the same episode. It's the story of teenage who actually seem like real people. Real people aren't usually as interesting as they are, of course. Real people aren't as clever or witty or lead lives packed with that much drama. One of the challenges of fiction is to make the unlikely events these characters live through seem natural and they pull it off.

And then there's Glee. When I first watched Glee, I kept thinking of Skins and Glee just didn't measure up. I've now come to accept Glee for what it is and I usually end up liking it. The kids are funny but not in that stupid sitcom way where 15 year old teenagers somehow have the world view and sensibilities of 30 year old standup comedians. They also do some pretty good musical numbers. Still, as I was reminded by Glee's most recent episode, it's not Skins.

One of the main plot points of last Tuesday's episode was when three of the main characters decided to lose their virginity. One thing I like about Skins is that they show's creators and, by extension, its characters, don't tie themselves up in knots about sex. It actually recognizes that a) lots of teens have sex and b) most of them, to varying degrees, seem to like it. Glee, unfortunately, is on American television and the biology of American teens is significantly different from that of their counterparts on British telly or, for that matter, their counterparts in real life. TV teens in America don't seem to particularly like sex and the only reason they bother with it at all is peer pressure from other teens. Why these other teens pressure their peers to do something that they, themselves, don't seem to like is a mystery.

Three couples this week decided to have sex and each couple had one virgin and one experienced partner. One couple was glee club teacher Will Shuster and guidance counselor Emma Pillsbury. Emma's OCD has kept her from having sex even though she's almost thirty so she, at least, has an excuse. They're adults though and I want to concentrate on the kids.

Series regulars Rachel and Finn, though their personalities are different, are crazy about each other and pretty much meant to be together. Unfortunately for them, they're in a TV series that gets a lot of story mileage from keeping them apart so now they've decided to lose their virginity to other people. Oddly, of the four people involved, only one really wants to have sex because he thinks sex is awesome and that guy is Jesse, Rachel's insensitive new boyfriend. Rachel doesn't want to but Jesse is pressuring her and she may as well get it out of the way. The fact that she likes Jesse and that Jesse is the kind of guy most girls would want to have sex with has little to do with it. Finn is an entirely different case. A cheerleader named Santana has offered to relieve Finn of his virginity for what are mainly political and status reasons. Finn decides to take her up on it. Why? You may think it's because she's hot enough to be in Maxim which, in fact, she was (Not Safe For Work link here) and that sex with a hot girl is an awesome idea. No no no, Finn decides to do it to make Rachel jealous or some stupid shit like that.

Predictably, Rachel backs out because this is American television and teenage girls don't really want to have sex. If they do, it's because they are sluts who have no respect for themselves like Santana. Speaking of her, Finn goes ahead with it and nails her in a sleazy looking motel. What does he do after? Maybe you're thinking he says, at least to himself, "Woo hoo, I had sex." You'd be wrong about that because this is American television and sex is wrong. Instead, Finn bitches about having done it while Santana looks bored and says she wants a cheeseburger. Again, Finn just had sex with this girl (again, for God's sake, don't click this link if you are at work or using your church's WiFi or anything like that) and all he can think of to do is complain. The reason he's whining about having had the greatest night of his life is because he's on American TV and the fact that he just had sex means that a puppy just died because SEX IS BAD and no one really wants to do it until they get married or move to England where kids can bang away in peace.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The Back-up Plan

Romantic comedies are one of the things that help us get through the insanity and casual tragedy of everyday life. No matter how we are feeling, a good romantic comedy can make our day brighter. If we are in a foul mood, it make it good. If we are in a good mood, it can make it better. We love being swept away to a fantasy world in which even a horribly mismatched couple comes to realize that each one is the other's soulmate. While we watch their improbable journey, we often laugh, sometimes cry and come out feeling satisfied. I would like to say that this is what happens in Jennifer Lopez's new comedy The Back-up Plan but it's not. The Back-up Plan is not even what I would call a movie. I would call it the event of a lifetime.

If you can only do one thing for the rest of your life, see The Back-up Plan. If the choice this weekend is going to your child's funeral or seeing The Back-up Plan, pick the latter. To say it will change your life does not do this cinematic experience justice. Rather, it will become so integrated into who and what you are that it will become your life. Some critics might say that it takes the romantic comedy and turns the genre on its ear. I say it takes the romantic comedy, forces it to the ground and fills its every orifice with life changing awesomeness.

At first glance, The Back-up Plan appears to be trite, predictable, dull, stupid and, to top it off, misogynistic. It looks pretty much that way on the second glance too, and the third. After enough glances, however, the film's true meaning and spirit emerge and you are transported to a world a lot like Heaven, only better. Jennifer Lopez doesn't act so much as she becomes the character of Zoe, a woman who lives through an all-too-common scenario of getting pregnant through artificial insemination, finding the man of her dreams, hiding the fact that she's pregnant when she starts dating him, confesses shortly after the first time they have sex, experiences nine months of comic hijinks that puts their relationship in jeopardy, loses the guy then gets him back through even more unlikely comic hijinks. I'm sure many women reading this gasped and thought, "This is the story of my life."

But it's not just the story of your life. Rather, it's the story of all our lives. Be you a top Wall Street banker or a bushman in the Australian Outback, you will be touched and maybe even transformed by The Back-up Plan. You will wonder how you can be more like Zoe and what you can possibly do that matches even a fraction of the spirit, grace and humor she possesses as she conceals from her boyfriend that fact that she's knocked up, does something that results in a relationship ending misunderstanding then defies all the odds and lives happily ever after with the love of her life all the while ignoring the advice of her somewhat slutty functioning alcoholic best friend.

After what will surely be repeated viewings, The Back-up Plan will become the plan for your entire life and the simple wisdom of Jennifer Lopez and whoever the hell else is in the movie will become the building blocks you will use to elevate yourself from a drab and hopeless existence into a a new personal Utopia. Plus, there's a gross scene where a woman gives birth underwater. I bet that's funny.

Look At My Briefs -- 4/22/10

What with an Icelandic volcano releasing a massive cloud of death that will envelope the planet and exterminate the human race (you haven't heard that yet because your government is covering it up), I figured I would take this opportunity to give you all what may very well be the last edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

There are dozens of Oz books that have never been made into movies so why would filmmakers think it is a good idea to show the Wizard's origin story is beyond me. My theory is that the people behind this film, be they creative types or studio executives, have no idea that L. Frank Baum wrote several books set in Oz or, for that matter, have no idea who L. Frank Baum is.

My local Regal Cinemas Multiplex has finally gotten some 3D projectors so I can join the rest of the internet in saying, "Man, the 3D in that new movie sucked."

Lots of people freaked out over the amount of violence that Kick-Ass actress Chloe Moretz was featured in. The best way to quiet critics of her portrayal in Kick-Ass would be to show them her next movie, an American remake of the bloody Swedish vampire movie Let The Right One In. If it's a faithful remake, Kick-Ass will look like a Disney film in comparison and people who see it will be demand that Hollywood go back to making family friendly movies like Kick-Ass.

Jennifer Lopez' new movie The Back-up Plan comes out tomorrow. Jennifer plays a woman who gets pregnant through artificial insemination only to meet the guy of her dreams right after that happens. It's getting predictably bad reviews which, for me, raises a question: is it stupid and unfunny or offensive and misogynistic? I say: why can't it be both?

Speaking of unfunny and misogynistic, I haven't commented on the conservative movie site Big Hollywood for a while. What caught my eye was this diddy from Leigh Scott claiming that Kick-Ass is a libertarian film. Well, let's examine that claim. Kick-Ass is an unrealistic fantasy that mostly appeals to immature minds about situations that at first seems plausible and realistic but quickly degenerates into an impossible scenario that can only be embraced by they who totally ignore reality. Not quite sure how that corresponds to libertarianism but if Leigh Scott says it does then it's good enough for me.

I must admit that Glee, a show I didn't particularly like when it first came on, has improved. I still don't fill my pants with glee (if you know what I mean) over the idea of watching it but I do watch it. The main reason for watching it is still Jane Lynch's psychopathic cheer coach Sue Sylvester. People think I'm exaggerating when I call her a psychopath but I'm totally serious. She's free of conscience and feels there is no limit to what should be done when trying to achieve a goal. She's taken what should have been a friendly rivalry between her cheer squad and the glee club and elevated it to an epic struggle upon which the fate of the future rides. These are things a psychopath does. I don't mean she's going to turn into Dexter or anything. She's smart enough to know she'd probably get caught. One more thing about Glee: how is it that a glee club that's constantly being threatened with having its funding pulled manages to come up with the thousands of dollars that this video must have cost?

No Fear

If you read Roger Ebert's site or follow him on Twitter, you know he had quite a weekend. First, he gave Kick-Ass one star, an opinion based almost entirely on the fact that one of the main characters is a violent sociopath who is also a little girl. Said little girl not only mercilessly kills literally dozens of men but also ends up getting beaten up herself. For some reason, Roger Ebert thought this was a bad thing. Obviously, the reason he did this is because he doesn't get it. That seemed to be the general consensus of the mega awesome people who did get it, anyway. This consensus ranged from people like Harry Knowles on AICN to @JackNOff69 on Twitter who spammed Ebert with messages like, "u suk old man," and, "U RLY FKIN SUK OLD MAN!!!! >:(" God only knows what @JackNOff69 would have done if he'd had more than 140 characters. The world is probably lucky that it will never know.

Anyway, Ebert looked at the storm he had created and said, "Not enough. Oh Lord, when will it be enough?" so he decided to post this gem on his blog stating that videogames, by their very nature, can never be art. In addition to the 1700+ comments it has generated on the blog itself, comments which again range between, "u suk old man," and, "Hello? Do you even PLAY videogames? Blow it out your ass. u suk," there have been, according to Google, over 1 bazillion responses from just about anyone and anything even remotely connected to videogames.

Roger Ebert cares about all this negative criticism as much as he cares about the negative criticism he gets from right wingers who call him a Commie because he makes pro health reform comments and only Karl Marx would want health care to be cheap and accessible. In other words, he doesn't care at all. In fact, he seemed to be excited to be at the center of all this controversy. Well, you know what? I also like being at the center of controversy. Let's see which of these following inflammatory statements gets me the most page views and hate mails.

ANYONE WHO LIKES STAR WARS IS A DIPSHIT -- Seriously people, Star Wars? For 30 years now you Force-heads have been yammering on about some douchebag named Luke and how it's so fucking awesome that he can manipulate a universal energy field to move oil cans with his mind. Grow the hell up and find something to do besides spending your weekends walking around convention centers dressed as Boba Fett so you can see the guy who played Storm Trooper #5 talk about the time he and George Lucas snorted coke off each others asses.

ONLY PEOPLE WITH ARTICHOKES FOR BRAINS USE FACEBOOK -- But I kid. Where else would people let their "friends" know that "THIS WEEKEND IS GONNA FUKIN ROK!!!!!!!" Also, it truly is the height of class to post pictures of yourself drinking vodka through a funnel. And hey, all you girls who post images of yourselves making out with another girl? That's so god damn shocking and original that only EVERY GIRL OUT THERE DOES IT! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go tend to my crops and find a lost fucking cow, neither of which is anything resembling THE LAMEST GODDAMN THING THAT ANYONE HAS EVER DONE EVER. Here's my status update for the day: "Kiss my ass."

JOSS WHEDON SUCKS -- There's a portion of the population that considers Joss Whedon to be the greatest creative mind that television has ever had and ever will have. Those people are known as drooling chowder heads. Have you people ever heard of a little show called Lost? Helloooo! The worst episode of that show is better than anything Whedon's ever done and proves that Joss Whedon isn't worthy of licking J.J. Abrams' ballsack. And isn't it about time we all admitted that the Emperor has no clothes unless those clothes have vampires in them? Sure, Buffy and Angel had decent runs but what's he done since then? Firefly? I guess I have to concede to Whedon fanboys that it does take true genius to make a show that gets canceled after 13 episodes. Dollhouse was good, though, if you enjoy dark and confusing shows that make you want to slash your wrists. It did go a whole 27 episodes despite record low ratings that makes one wonder who the hell Joss Whedon had to blow to get the network to OK 27 episodes.

Okay, one of those two should provoke the desired effect. If my inbox doesn't fill up with mail calling me an out of touch bastard who just doesn't get it then neither I, the writer, nor you, the reader, have done our jobs. I wish to thank Roger Ebert for showing me the true path to success, that being, "There's no such thing as bad publicity so long as you spell the name right."

Kick Assing It Old School

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Kick and Kickability

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Look At My Briefs -- 4/15/10

Today is tax day, not a pleasant day for most Americans. Gosh, I wonder what the best possible way to take the sting out of handing over a percentage of your income to the federal government is. Only thing that comes to mind is another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

Paul Verhoeven has a point when he compares Robocop to Jesus. My favorite part of the Book of Matthew is when Jesus shoots a guy in the balls. At least we both agree that Robocop shouldn't be remade. I hope we also both agree that Showgirls should never be remade.

Joss Whedon directing The Avengers is the most awesome news in the history of awesome news. It's like hearing that scientists have created ice cream that also gives blow jobs. I'm going to be happy for now and not think about the very likely chance that Whedon will quit due to excessive studio interference and the project will be handed over to Uwe Boll.

*Gasp* Is Kick Ass actually going to be...good? I'll admit that, when I saw the first trailer last Christmas, I thought it would be stupid. Then I saw this red band trailer of Hit-Girl. I'll admit that, up until that point, I didn't realize I was the kind of guy who could be entertained by foul mouthed, sociopathic 8 year old girls. Perhaps if I had lived in Japan where you see stuff like that every day I'd have figured this out about myself sooner but that's neither here nor there.

Wow, looks like the new Shrek movie will be the best one yet.

Oh God or Krishna or Muhammad or Thor or whichever of you is in charge, please oh please let this idea for a 3D version of Jaws fail miserably. Creating 3D versions of old movies is simply a horrible idea. It reminds me of the colorization craze back in the 80s when we saw ugly color versions of movies like Casablanca and It's A Wonderful Life. George Lucas might be able to pull off something like that for Star Wars but that's because he'd have control and would take the time and money to do it right but even he would be limited by the fact creating 3D versions of old movies is a REALLY FUCKING STUPID IDEA.

So, Conan's moving to TBS at 11. Good for him. Shame I'll never watch it. If I watch anything at that time, it's The Daily Show/Colbert combo. It's a matter of time. If I had 100 hours a week to watch television, Conan would definitely be on the list. Since I don't, he's not.

Rise Of The Hot Tub Time Machines

Yesterday, I talked about how I don't concern myself with a movie's box office take. To prove that statement, I present what I wrote yesterday and today as the exception that proves the rule. Today I want to talk about Hot Tub Time Machine and the fact that, while it's not a box office failure, is considered to at least be a disappointment. Date Night was not as funny as Hot Tub Time Machine and it made way more money. Why? Dunno. All I can think of is that Date Night is more couple and family friendly and has bigger stars. Also, I think I heard something about Tina Fey promising to blow anyone who went to see Date Night. I can't confirm that but, if it's true, she should be swinging around Casa de Clear any day now.

Anyway, Hot Tub Time Machine is a very funny movie. It's not quite as funny as The Hangover, the movie to which it's being compared, but it's still pretty damn funny. Of course, if you're like me, and I'm assuming most of you are, the most important plot element is whether or not this broad, raunchy, light hearted comedy meets rigorous standards of scientific accuracy. The answer is: who do I look like, Stephen Hawking? I can tell you that three middle aged men who've been friends since high school decide to revisit a ski resort that was popular when they were young after one of them, Lou (Rob Corddry), apparently tries to kill himself though he swears he was just rocking out to Guns 'n Roses and was too drunk to realize that he shouldn't be doing so in a closed garage while his car was running. Lou's a total degenerate so this explanation is easy to buy but Adam (John Cusack) and Nick (Craig Robinson) take Lou to the resort anyway. Along with Adam's geeky 20-something nephew, Jacob, they all go back to the year 1986 when Lou spills an illegally imported Russian drink that probably had a little nuclear waste in onto the hot tub's controls.

Chevy Chase shows up as the hot tub repairman. He's the type of guy who speaks in cryptic double entendres that lets you know he's not just a hot tub repairman and knows way more than he's saying about time travel. Because this is a smart and self aware comedy, we get a series of funny scenes in which Jacob directly challenges Chase to reveal his true nature but Chase never breaks character and just magically teleports away when he gets tired of dealing with Jacob.

The guys (except for Jacob who wasn't born then) look to the rest of the world the way they did in 1986. Chase tells them they must do what they did then so as not to change history which means Adam must break up with his girlfriend who will then stab him in the face with a fork, Nick must have sex with some girl he picks up at a bar even though he's married in 2010 and Lou must get his ass kicked by the rich, snooty bad guy types who were in 99% of all teen sex comedies back in the 80s. They realize after a time that they've all basically lost at the game of life in their present lives and have little incentive to keep things the way they are.

Hot Tub Time Machine is one of those wonderfully and fearlessly offensive movies that people find themselves citing decades later. No one will do it with this movie, of course, because no one but me saw it. I'll have to entertain myself by talking into a mirror about things like the scene where Lou and Nick lost a bet and Lou...had to do something really, really bad to Nick. It's a shame none of you will ever know to what I am referring. Unless you watch the DVD in a few months, in which case, ignore this last paragraph.

Legend of the Fey Folk

I normally don't concern myself with how much a movie makes or loses. I consider that to be a concern for the people who made, produced and financed the film. I worry about whether I liked it or not and let people like Nikki Finke worry about the financial side of the movie industry. I make an exception this week, however, for Date Night because I think it's good news that a movie with Tina Fey actually beat back a movie about muscled guys in skirts fighting giant scorpions. I'll be damned if I can remember who wrote the article I read earlier this week urging the world to go see Date Night to support Tina Fey but I agree with that long lost, possibly imaginary person. The fact that Tina Fey exists in this world is a good thing. She has the most consistently funny comedy currently on television and somehow manages to make one funny movie after another. Baby Mama and Mean Girls were not great movies but they were pretty good ones and, frankly, if you manage to make even a mildly funny comedy then you are on par with the guy who discovered plutonium. Think of the number of godawful comedies that have come out just this year.

So, um, how is Date Night? It had more funny jokes than unfunny jokes which puts it into the the "Sure, go ahead and see it" category. It's not a great movie. People won't be quoting it 20 years from now or even 20 days from now but I did have a very pleasant time watching it and then going him and watching Tina Fey again on an-actually-funny episode of Saturday Night Live.

Oh, did you know other people are in Date Night too? Tina Fey and Steve Carrell, star of TV's second best comedy, play Claire and Phil Foster, a somewhat-upper-middle-class suburban couple from New Jersey. They never do anything exciting and seem to wonder why other people do. When Phil, a tax attorney, manages to get some clients a large refund, he wonders why they want to use the money to go on an elaborate vacation instead of putting it into a Roth IRA. Their weekly date night (TITLE ACHIEVED) always takes place at the same middle priced restaurant where they always order the same thing.

At their weekly book club meeting (the first really funny scene of the movie in which they have to read a book about a girl who's trying to menstruate under Taliban rule), they discover that married friends of theirs who live similar lives are planning to divorce due to the lack of adventure in their lives. This shakes them up and they at least decide to jazz up date night by going to a high class restaurant in Manhattan. This is where it stops being a downbeat family drama and starts being a Steve Carrell/Tina Fey comedy. The plot is silly and unimportant and exists only as a clothesline upon which the filmmakers can hang the funny adventures this couple has for the rest of the movie. The Fosters are unable to a table at the snooty restaurant they go to so, rather than settling for a bucket of extra crispy, they take the reservation of a no-show couple and spend the rest of the movie being mistaken for that couple who are targets of mob thugs. Oh, the mob thugs are police. Who work for the District Attorney. And a mobster played by Ray Liotta. Did I mention the plot was silly and unimportant?

Some standout moments include Claire having to listen to the always-funny Kristen Wiig who plays the friend getting divorced and compares herself to that menstruating Afghani girl from their book club. Also, we see James Franco and Mila Kunis as Taste and Whippit (seriously), the low class couple whose reservation the Fosters took. When I saw her in The Book Of Eli, I mentioned that Mila Kunis had become the type of actor who always makes a movie better than it would have been without her and this reinforces my belief. There's a funny sequence in which Taste and Whippit describe relationship problems eerily similar to those of the Fosters except for the parts about drugs, lap dances and stealing from the mob.

Overall, Date Night is a pleasant experience that's worth seeing. I heartily suggest seeing it on an actual date night then you can entertain your friends with jokes about how you saw Date Night on date night. Trust me, they'll love it. You're welcome.

Things I've Learned From Watching Movies Part 81

Hardened criminals are no match for a boring suburban couple.

Other than the fact that you'd either be killed or hunted down not only by the criminals you are hunting but by the law enforcement authorities you are trying to help, there's absolutely no reason you couldn't be a super-hero.

If you're a single woman trying to have a baby, be sure to do it in a way indistinguishable from the way a complete idiot would do it.

Sure, go ahead, rip off The A-Team. No one will notice.

Sure, go ahead, rip off Death Wish AND Gran Torino. No one will notice.

Sure, go ahead, rip off Gladiator. No one...oh, screw it.

I'm not one for telling super villains how to do their jobs but instead of whips, maybe use a bomb? Or a rocket launcher?

Instead of...I mean, go ahead and...remakes...I got nothing.

The fact that every movie ever made that was based on a video game completely and utterly sucked means that the odds are this one will be good. Right?

Movie ideas involving zombies are limitless, mainly because they're all the same.

Look At My Briefs -- 4/8/10

Today, April 8, 2010, is the tenth anniversary of April 8, 2000, a meaningless day in history. There is no better occasion for another set of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

Dear Media: why the hell have you told me more about this than I do about that video of the Iraq massacre?

Claiming that the script for Wolverine 2 is "the best one we've had" isn't saying a lot. Here's a little reminder of the first one.

I'm beginning to suspect that the producers of Lost didn't bother to show up this season and told their interns to write the scripts. Man oh man, did they ever double down on the crazy this year. It's working though, for the most part. I don't think a concept like Lost can go 16 episodes a year for six years. It's shows like this that made me wish we could find a way to at least partially adopt the British television model and allow something like Lost to do something like two or three six episode seasons. Sadly, that's not the business model under which American television works. Oh well.

It's a shame Robert Downey Jr. bowed out of Jon Favreau's Cowboys and Aliens but the cast looks like it's shaping up with James Bond, one of the world's hottest women and some old guy.

Looks like Breaking Dawn is shaping up and will actually be made. Um...yay? Many were wondering why it took this long for the final chapter of the successful Twilight series to begin production but that question was only ever asked by those unfamiliar with the plot of Breaking Dawn. I can't express this idea as well as this famous article did from Chud.com did. (Mildly NSFW, mainly due to language.)

The latest Resident Evil sequel is bragging that it was filmed using the 3D process created by James Cameron and his people. What they're not telling, though it's obvious from the trailer, is that James Cameron used that process in a very restrained manner to enhance the moviegoing experience of Avatar whereas they are going to use it to do every cheesy 3D trick that's been done in the 6 decades since the first version of this process was created though I suppose saying that wouldn't look good on the poster.

All The New In Whoville

One of the advantages to living in England, in addition to the cheap healthcare and boiled food, is that you get to watch new episodes of Doctor Who before the rabble here in the United States can get their filthy paws all over them. For example, the U.K. premiere of series 5 was last Saturday but it won't show in the U.S. until April 17. We Americans can do nothing except howl in the wind and shake our fists at an uncaring God over this horrific plight. I suppose we can be thankful that they don't have a six month gap anymore but I really can't figure out why they have a gap at all. Hey, remember back in the long long ago when I said we Americans have to blithely accept our fate and wait till the 17th? That's true unless you use one of many methods, some legal, others not, to watch it earlier. I used one of the legal methods which is why I was able to watch it the same time it was being broadcast on BBC One so SCREW YOU GREAT BRITAIN! I believe this is where I remind you that we saved your ass in World War II and allowed you to join us in our glorious adventure in Iraq.

Doctor Who is now under the benevolent protection of one Mr. Steven Moffat. If that name means nothing to you, please accept my solemn promise that he's one of the best writers on the planet. I don't mean just in television either. I'd place him as one of the best living writers in any medium so you can imagine my excitement when I heard my favorite writer had been handed the reins of my favorite show.

When we last saw the Doctor, he had sustained fatal injuries in yet another of his many battles to save the world. Never fear, though. The Doctor is a Timelord and they have this cool thing they do where, when faced with death, they simply regenerate and all is well. The downside of this particular evolutionary mechanism is that they're not the same afterward. They keep all their memories but, in many important ways, they're now different people. This was really brought home during the final episode of the tenth Doctor played by David Tennant. That was very sad indeed because we knew that, in a way, this tenth Doctor was going to die. We didn't have much time to mourn though because the energy given off by the regeneration had trashed the Doctor's time machine, the TARDIS, and it started plummeting to Earth.

Now that we're all caught up, we see the new Doctor, Matt Smith, crashing the TARDIS into a sleepy English town where he meets an eight year old (I think, somewhere around there) girl named Amelia Pond. Amelia was giving a special Easter prayer to Santa Claus to send someone to fix the crack in her wall. An especially scary crack. She sees the blue box crash in her backyard and sees a soaking wet crazy man pop out asking for an apple. He claims he loves apples but spits it out when he bites into it. It turns out the Doctor no longer knows what the hell he likes to eat and has the wonderfully unflustered little girl prepare him various dishes before he decides that his favorite food is fish dipped in custard. Seriously.

Matt Smith, with the help of Moffat's writing, instantly endeared himself to me. He plays the Doctor as a slightly crazy and hyperactive fellow who, judging by ratings and fan reactions, will bring back the people (I wasn't one of them) who vowed to stop watching the show when Tennant left. After all, without spoiling too much, he manages to solve a life threatening crisis without the TARDIS or his sonic screwdriver. Personally, I think Tom Baker could have wrapped the whole thing up even faster and had time to run to the shop for jelly babies, but I'll cut Smith some slack. This was his first episode, after all.

Olympus Calling

Clash of the Titans is a movie. That's the best thing I can say about it.

No, I take that back. I expected very little from this remake and that was exactly what I received. It's no less predictable than I thought it would be and no dumber than I expected. Expectations were very low and those expectations were met. I saw it on a rainy, cold Friday and found it a mildly acceptable way to pass the time on such a day. Had I seen it the next day when the weather was warmer and the sun was out, I would have lamented that I had spent a day so perfectly suited for outdoor activity inside a dark theater watching...this.

You may remember the plot of the 1981 original with Harry Hamlin as the demigod Perseus and Laurence Olivier as his father, Zeus. It was a pretty straightforward adventure film with Ray Harryhausen's stop-motion effects creating some pretty decent monster fights. Today pretty much the entire movie takes place inside some guy's Macintosh. We also get a lot of preaching about gods and men and which one is better in this new version so, you know, there's that.

The movie opens with a fisherman finding baby Perseus in the ocean and adopting him. Skipping ahead a bit, we see the grownup Perseus (Sam Worthington) who has followed in the footsteps of his adopted father and entered the craptastic existence of an ancient Greek fisherman. After pulling up an empty net, Perseus' dad starts ranting about how they really come up short in their relationship with the gods. They find out he's not the only one who feels that way when they sail to the city of Argos to find soldiers tearing down the massive statue of Zeus. The god Hades rises from the underworld and releases harpies or furies or some godawful monstery thing that flies and wipes out the soldiers. Unfortunately, Perseus' family end up as innocent victims in this whole clash.

The Argosians have decided to starve the gods of their prayers until they invent the iPad. Or something. Anyway, they're pissed at the gods so all their temples and symbols and such are being desecrated. I have to admit something here. If I was a god and my mortal followers started pissing on my temples and skull fucking my statues like the people of Argos did, I'd probably want to make them pay too and I'm a nice guy. The Greek gods, on the other hand, were some of the most notoriously dickish supreme beings in the history of the planet. What did the Argosians expect them to do? Apparently they did not expect Hades to appear in their throne room, kill the king and queen and say that they either sacrifice Princess Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) in ten days or he will release the Kraken and destroy the city. Why they did not expect that is beyond me as that is precisely what I would have expected the Greek gods to do but, then again, I saw the original 1981 movie.

Anyhoo, Perseus and a band of tough guys all go trouncing off to find a way to kill the Kraken. Joining them is Io (Gemma Arterton), a woman who refused the advances of a god and was cursed with eternal youth which, apparently, is a bad thing. There seems to be a lot of "blame the rape victim" mentality throughout Greek legends. Perseus himself was born because Zeus got pissed at a king so he took the king's shape and knocked up his wife. The king then killed his wife and thought he'd killed the half-god child. That's not as bad as the story of Medusa though. She was raped by Poseidon on the floor of Athena's temple and Athena, supposedly the goddess of wisdom, punished her by making her so hideous that any living creature that looked at her would turn to stone. As I said, the Greek gods were dicks.

What have we learned from Clash of the Titans? We've learned not to piss off beings with the temperaments of spoiled children who can bend reality to their will. We've learned that it's never a good thing when someone says, "Release the Kraken." Not to give too much away, but we've learned that when your dad, the king of the gods, gives you a magic sword, you shouldn't be too proud to take it. And finally, we've learned that when a movie from the 80s about Greek god gets remade as a dark, preachy movie loaded with CGI and (from what I hear) crap 3-D effects, you should stay the hell away unless you have nothing better to do. In that case, just don't expect too much and you'll be fine.

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The Last Song

I think what I'm feeling now must be similar to the way people must have felt in the early 1960s when they witnessed a young lady named Barbra Streisand enter the world of cinema by storm, taking no prisoners and winning a fanbase that survives to this day. Or perhaps I am like someone sitting in the dark of a movie theater in 1978 who is witnessing the first star making role of a remarkable new actress named Meryl Streep. All I know is this: when you see The Last Song, you are not just watching a film that stands as one of the finest presentations of the human condition ever made but you are also seeing the true rise of a star who will dominate the world of cinema for the next generation and beyond. That person is Miley Cyrus.

Miley's performance in The Last Song is a finer acting job than I ever thought was possible not just from such a young girl but from anyone. It's amazing to me that she's only 17 because this means she will improve on her already vast ability to entertain and show us that a potential that already seems realized has in fact only just been tapped.

Miley plays Ronnie Miller, a girl from a broken home whose mother has sent her from New York to spend the summer with her father in Savannah, Georgia. Ronnie's dad, played by Greg Kinnear, is a classical composer whose hobby is restoring stained glass windows and I'm sure that, upon reading that, everyone out there could instantly relate and think, "Wow, this is so much like my own dad." Ronnie's story is like what The Odyssey would have been had it been a modern teen romance tale. Her hero's journey is one of triumph and tragedy that lesser minds see as contrived melodrama. It is only those who see beyond their own lives and look upon the world as a global village that can see how transcendent and universal themes that touch all our lives have only been truly and fully realized for the first time in this movie.

I struggled for a while if it was Miley Cyrus make The Last Song good or if it was the other way around? I wasn't able to answer that question until I thought, "What would Miley say?" and that was when I realized that I was asking the wrong question and that was how I was able to solve the problem. Miley Cyrus and The Last Song could not have been made without each other. Since the dawn of existence itself she was destined to be in this movie and it was destined to have her star in it. No, the proper question to ask is, "How does The Last Song and its young star elevate us as a species?" That question will not be fully answered for decades but I think we may already have begun the next age of mankind, an age in which we are all like teenage girls who hate their musician/glass repairing dads but come to understand them. if we all adopted that worldview, hate and anger against our fellow humans would ceases and prejudice and oppression would become distant legends told as fairy tales by future generations.

The Last Song also has some new Miley Cyrus songs. They're okay, I guess.

Look At My Briefs -- 4/1/10

It is my sad duty to report that I am shutting this site down. HA! April Fool! That's a great way to start off another edition of brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

I fully agree with Chloe Sevigny that this season of Big Love wasn't their best which is my way of saying that it was really a low point for that show. The various plotline involved, among other things, Bill Henrickson, the head of a Utah polygamist family, chasing a crazy religious vision of being elected to Utah's State Senate in order to promote acceptance of his lifestyle. I found the whole thing unrealistic and annoying although I was surprised to see Chloe Sevigny publicly criticize her own show like that. I was not, however, the least bit surprised to see her walk the whole thing back a few days later. I assume this happened when her paycheck arrived in the mail and she noticed that the producers of Big Love had dotted all the "I's" on the check with either frowns or angry faces. I would have thought that the woman who did that scene in The Brown Bunny, you know the one I mean, would have more guts but a girl's gotta eat. On the other hand, anyone who ever saw The Brown Bunny knows what Chloe Sevigny likes to eat...let's stop there.

I see the guy who adapted L. Ron Hubbard's Battlefield Earth for the big screen is tired of people throwing rocks at him as he passes by and has written an apology for having a hand in one of the stupidest movies ever made. He doesn't exactly throw himself on the sword, of course, and tries to talk about how the sheer awesomeness of his original screenplay was destroyed by everyone on the planet who's not him. It's hard to tell who did what in situations like this. Get Shorty is an excellent example of the reverse happening. I vividly remember the number of people who stepped up to try and take credit for the critical and financial success of Get Shorty. John Travolta, Danny DeVito and director Barry Sonenfeld all talked about how they took that awful, awful script and turned it into the masterpiece of goody good filmosity. In the case of Battlefield Earth, I've yet to see John Travolta brag that his stellar script remaking powers were responsible for that movie.

V started back up on Tuesday and it's still trying to see if it can out-stupid itself. For a specific example, I present the scene in which Elizabeth Mitchell's FBI character goes on the hunt for an internationally wanted mercenary. How does she find him? She looks at an FBI database that no one else ever thought to look at and, wouldn't you know, his address was right there. That is now in a big dumb competition with the alien/human hybrid storyline and the fact that no one on the whole damn Earth seems to be the least bit curious about the history of the V's.

What? A Miley Cyrus movie made from a Nicholas Sparks novel is getting bad reviews? What are the odds? Turns out the odds are pretty damn good. I'm scared to review this now. What would happen if I ended up liking it? People would wonder how many times I had masturbated during the movie, that's what. I'll go see the dull, dark remake of Clash of the Titans instead. That couldn't possibly be bad.

Doctor Who premieres this Saturday in England and you know what I won't be doing? I won't be sitting right here at this computer tapping into the BBC's web feed with a proxy server, that's what. That would be wrong. I'll just torrent it instead. Everyone's cool with that, right?

Someone purported to be a professional humorist wrote this headline.

I don't like predicting the future but I will boldly state that if I am ever busted for illegally downloading a movie it sure as fuck will NOT be for a goddamn Uwe Boll film. I would set up a server devoted to giving free digital copies of Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel before anyone would ever accuse me of sneezing in the direction of anything even vaguely connected to the guy who made Bloodrayne.