Friday, October 30, 2009

How to Prevent The World's End

Regular readers know that I have recently embraced all the stupid, lunatic, unproven, unscientific, thoroughly, utterly, totally batshit insane theories that the upcoming Roland Emmerich movie is a documentary and the world will end in 2012. Yep, totally on board. Still, that doesn't mean we should all sit around and do nothing. If there's a way to prevent the almost certain doom of the entire planet, it just might be worth a shot. Sure, if you already have weekend plans, don't cancel them or anything but if you can pencil something in that would save the world, please do so. I have compiled a handy list of actions that you, an average, less-than-intelligent* person can take that might make a difference.

1. Hold A Bake Sale -- There aren't many problems in life that can't be at least eased by a bake sale. If your school's cheer squad is able to pay for a trip to Tulsa to participate in National Cheer Championships thanks to bake sales, holding one should raise enough money to at least pay for fortifications against global tsunamis for your town.

2. Convince Sexy Celebrities To Strip For Your "Stop 2012" Campaign -- Sexy celebrities love to take their clothes off in public but even they can't do so without a reason. That's why so many "Good Causes" have naked celebrity ad campaigns. Therefore it should be zero trouble to convince people like Keira Knightley and Jessica Alba to let you take provocative nude pictures of them to prevent the end of the world. This will do absolutely nothing to stop the global catastrophe of 2012 but it will make you feel better for a little while.

3. Write Bitchy Comments On Message Boards -- As anyone who has ever done so knows, nothing, and I mean nothing, is more effective at turning the rest of the world toward your way of thinking than to leave an anonymous comment on the internet. Feel free to use the following sample:
U all suk and Im gonn laff my ass off in 2012 wen u all dye. plus u r ghey thats what yur mom said last nite when i waz boning her in the ass

4. Hand Out Pamphlets -- After anonymous internet comments, the method pretty much guaranteed to convert people to your cause is to pester them into taking a copy of your literature. Stand outside a supermarket or, better yet, go to their homes and preach to them about how the world will end in 2012 before getting them to give you a few bucks for your pamphlet 2012 World's End: How Could A Race That Died Out Thousands Of Years Ago Be Wrong?

5. Develop A Machine Called The Get-The-Hell-Off-Earth-inator -- Pretty much speaks for itself.

Knowing that all of you will now devoted to saving the planet means I can now stop doing it and play video games. Thanks all.

*Don't be offended. You think the world's gonna end in 2012 cause some dead Mayans and a stupid action flick said so.

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