In Fact, All Of Norway Can Go Straight To Hell

No regular column today because I'm pissed off. You probably all have heard about this year's Nobel Prizes but there's one name noticeably absent from that list. You know whose name that was? Mine, that's who, probably because the Nobel committee is made up of shitheads.

I definitely should have won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry because of my groundbreaking work discovering what happens when you mix vinegar and baking soda. Instead, they gave it to three douchebags who uncovered the structure of ribosome. What the fuck is ribosome? It's either a made up word or Latin for, "Sucked the dicks of the Nobel committee."

I did some awesome shit in physics too but those Norwegian fucks ignored that too. Why are they even called Norwegians anyway? They live in Norway, not Norwegia. I don't really understand physics but neither does anyone else so why not give it to me?

As for the Peace Prize: Hey Norway, have I started any fucking wars lately? Or ever? Try Googling "Wars started by Michael Clear" and watch it spit back "Absofuckinglutely none." Hell, I may as well start one now if I'm not going to get a damn Peace Prize.

The worst insult those Lutefisk eating dickholes sent my way was denying me the Nobel Literature Prize for my novel Vampires and Hot Virgins. Did it bother them that it took me nearly three weeks to write that? No. Did they take into consideration that it's being made into a movie? Obviously not. If you opened the skull of every single member of the Nobel committee, would you find anything but shit? Hell no!

Anyway, it's now my distinct honor to announce the winner of this year's "Prize For Being A Bitchy Little Fuckface." And the winner is...THE ENTIRE NOBEL COMMITTEE!!!! You an pick up your award in Hell.

P.S. Fuck you.

P.P.S. Kiss my ass!

UPDATE 10/9/09 -- WHAT? WHAT?!!! Jesus H. Christ on a Popsicle stick. Obama won the Peace Prize and not me? And why the hell did that happen exactly?

U.S. President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday for giving the world "hope for a better future" and striving for nuclear disarmament, in a surprise award that drew criticism as well as praise.

Oh awesome. Just fucking awesome. Just who the hell did Obama have to blow to get this? I got rid of my nuclear stockpiles years ago but do I get a fucking Peace Prize? Hello no! Norway, I know your country is a frozen shithole but that's not my fault so STOP TAKING IT OUT ON ME AND GIVE ME A DAMN NOBEL PRIZE.

Until then, feel free to enjoy the taste of my anus. Oh, fuck you again.