WORLD EXCLUSIVE: Roman Polanski Speaks Out

Following reports that Roman Polanksi has become depressed during his time in jail, the famed director decided to comment on his current state of affairs. Due to the fact that I told his representatives that, "All the other news outlets totally wanted me to get the statement then pass it on to them when we all meet for lunch at Red Lobster later on today," I managed to be the sole recipient of said statement. Here it is.

It's true that I am very depressed. Jail is uncomfortable. I have no privacy, even when I relieve myself and I'm constantly afraid that I will be assaulted by the other inmates. I feel...how do I put this into words? I feel as if I were a helpless girl held against her will while being painfully raped in a hot tub...Oh. OOHHHHH! Geez, I get it. I finally get it. Why didn't anyone ever explain this to me before now?

Please note: anyone who uses this quote owes me $8.47 or a Quarter Pounder value meal from McDonalds.