Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Interview With A New Hire

I've recently been conducting job interviews and have come to a conclusion: the reason for the current high unemployment rate has less to do with the poor economy and more to do with the fact that the average jobseeker is a total idiot. Thus I once again break from my usual topics of conversation. As a service to my readers, here is a list of things you shouldn't say in a job interview.
  • Pull my finger.
  • Will I still get hired when I fail the drug test?
  • I printed out the lyrics to the new Miley Cyrus song "Party in the USA". Want to song along with me?
  • I'm not sure what this stain is. It's been a few days since I changed this shirt.
  • How long before I get a vacation? I'm supposed to go to a concert next week and will need a few days to recover.
  • If I left you with some pamphlets on hemp legalization, would you mind handing them out to the other applicants?
  • If I left you with some copies of The Watchtower, would you mind handing them out to the other applicants?
  • I'm not really into dudes but if you absolutely feel you have to blow me, we can work something out.
  • I like that picture. She's your 12 year old daughter, you say? Man, she is HOT!
  • I'm fully qualified in just about any office software you can name but the microchip that the CIA put into my teeth might interfere with the computers in your office.
  • Whoops, that's my phone. Sorry, gotta take this. Hey hey, you got the Big Dog, start barking. Bobby, dude, how goes it? Huh? Sure, I can talk, what's up?
  • No really, pull my finger.
Just don't say anything like that and you should do fine. If you choose to ignore me, get comfortable with the idea that you'll die a broke, uninsured freak.

You're welcome.

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