Friday, October 16, 2009
Just In Case
I'm sure everyone reading this has heard of the movie 2012 and how it's based on the belief that Mayans predicted the Earth's destruction thousands of years ago on the winter solstice of that year. My first thoughts upon hearing that allegation is, "What a load of crap." When I actually did a bit of research, I realized it was an even bigger load of crap than originally thought. I would have to build a huge crap mountain in my living room like Richard Dreyfus did in Close Encounters to even begin to come close to showing people just how huge this 2012 crap is. The world will still be here on December 22, 2012. The population will be slightly smaller because of all the people who saw this movie and committed suicide, their last thoughts being, "I'll take Roland Emmerich at his word on this. He hasn't steered me wrong yet."
BUT...what if I'm wrong? What if that .00000001% chance that all this is true kicks in? The worst thing about the world ending like that would be that I'd look like a total chump. Therefore, I've decided to jump on the 2012 bandwagon and start preaching about the end of the world.
Oh yeah, the world's definitely gonna end in 2012. Don't take my word for it. You know who said that shit like 3000 years ago? Mayans, man. Oh yeah, let me repeat that, MAYANS. Mind you, I know jack about Mayans but I saw this thing on A&E that totally said they were experts in End-Of-The-World-ology and stuff so if they said it the world's going down the crapper in 2012 then hells yeah it's true. I saw something about Mayans living today saying that the world wouldn't end in 2012 but A&E didn't mention them so I bet they aren't real Mayans, kind of like those guys who dress like leprechauns on St. Patrick's Day who aren't really leprechauns.
So what do we do about the world ending? I'm all set. My mountain cabin is fully stocked with Mountain Dew, Mallomars, comic books and hollow points so I'll be fine. I'll probably let some bikini models stay there with me and we'll repopulate the species. I imagine I'll have problems with mutants showing up at my door but I'll make sure the bikini models are fully trained in firearm use and ninja techniques so they'll be able to fight off the mutants.
I want you all to do something for me. On the very last day, as you're drowning in a tsunami or burning in lava, imagine me with a huge smirk on my face and radiating smugness while saying, "Told ya so." Cause that's what I'll be doing while watching the whole thing from my mountain cabin. Also, I'll be cramming my face full of Mallomars and watching the models make out while they give me handjobs.