Friday, October 2, 2009

Time After Time

Today's post serves as a public apology. First, I have to apologize in advance for going off topic but this needs to be said.

Recently, I went back in time. The details of how this was accomplished are unimportant. Let's just say it involved some uranium combined with a dozen super hot buffalo wings and leave it at that. Anyway, I went back about 100 million years to the Goofassic era or whatever the hell it was called. I'm a time traveler, not a historian. Anyway, the past pretty much sucked. No internet, cell phone wouldn't work, couldn't even get a decent magazine and ended up having to amuse myself by observing nature and shit like that. That's not the important part. I'm sure you've all heard that, if you're in the past, you shouldn't do stuff like step on a butterfly as that could start a chain reaction that could lead to greater and greater historical changes as time goes on until something major happens like the Nazis winning World War II? Well, I didn't hear that until after I went time traveling.

I stepped on a butterfly. Not only did I step on it, I sadistically played with it first then pissed on it after it was dead. I don't know why I did that as I've never been needlessly cruel like that before. I guess I just figured if I was going to do that, 100 million years in the past would be a good place to start. At this point you're thinking, "Did he change history?"

The good news, as you all know, is that the Nazis did not win World War II so good on me for that, right? There are a few small changes. For instance, Michael Bay no longer makes thoughtful, gracefully edited dramas about the human condition. Twilight didn't win eight Oscars. Barack Obama won the 2008 election instead of me. Yes, that's right, I was President. How do you think I had access to a time machine? Don't worry, I'm cool with that change. Being President blew. You have no idea how many times I had to read some stupid report about the price of Danish cheese before I even had my morning coffee. I do miss First Lady Megan Fox. Luckily, she finally let me have butt sex with her just before I went back in time and that was pretty much all I wanted from her anyway.

There is one thing I miss most of all. I hesitate to tell you about it since you will hate me when you find out I made this go away. I really, really miss the Handjob Trees. Yes, they were exactly what they sound like they were. They had soft, movable branches shaped like hands and they'd either jack you off or finger you when you approached them. Best thing was that using the trees was socially acceptable. I can remember many times while growing up when my mom would call for me and I'd say, "Be there soon Mom, just rubbing one out on the Handjob Tree." Somehow, stepping on an ancient butterfly or butterflyosaur or whatever the hell it was called made all that go away.

Anyway, I'm sorry though I do think the raw entertainment provided by this blog more than makes up for all that other stuff so stop whining.

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