This Is Our Most Solemn Vow

I feel it's important that we, as a nation, make a firm commitment right now to a certain course of action. Everyone please raise your right hand and repeat the following:

I, [state your name*], solemnly promise that, should the world end in 2012, I will do whatever it takes to make sure that John Cusack and his family survive. "Whatever it takes" shall be defined as exactly that and will include such things as the sacrifice of my life and those of my loved ones, the spending of any and all financial assets, stealing onion bagels**, sex with animals and writing angry letters to the editor of your local newspaper complaining that more isn't being done to save the Cusack family. Billions may be allowed to die during Earth's final hours but Cusack and family will not be among them. This is our solemn vow.

* Ha ha, very funny to whichever asshole actually said, "state your name," instead of your actual name. This is serious business here, people.

** Cusack likes onion bagels.